"I don't know how you do it?!"

If that is not a question I have gotten countless times... 5 kids?! "I don't know HOW you do it!" Homeschooling?! (Insert Gasp and shocked(and slightly dismissive) face) "I don't know how you do it?!! I could NEVER do that!"

Well, it's my turn!! "I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO IT!!" This goes out to all my friends, foes and all around strangers that SEND their kids to school! Week one of Brick and Mortar school for my kids: I am wiped. I do NOT know how a full year of this with after school activities, and homework and running around, and feeding people and turning in papers, and making sure the uniform is correct...i could go on... I quite literally don't know how it all gets done, will get done, balanced, whatever. How have moms (and dads) done it all? We were always finished with our days work by 2 or 3 o'clock. Then, my kids had some down time, we'd get ready for sports and have dinner, and go. Don't get me wrong, we had the night time scramble just like anyone else. But I didn't have the homework piece, and I was not beholden to other teachers, their timelines, their ideas, etc.(in most cases--my kids had some classes outside home which they had work for--but mostly completed in school hours).

This is a learning curve for sure! I have had some good tips from seasoned moms(feed my kids dinner right when we get home...AWESOMESAUCE! Thanks Mary ! (I love seasoned moms, they make everything better--homeschooling or sending kids to school moms, they know what you need to know!!) But honestly, in  homeschooling, when I had a question, what do i do about XYZ? I knew who to ask. There are "groups," friends, what-have-you. With the big leap into the Brick and Mortal school world, who do I ask? I mean, I need a seminar folks! I can't pull out of the carpool line? Cool, thanks for the heads up! haha. I should not walk my kids in to the school? *facepalm* Sorry kids for embarrassing you. My 6th grader doesn't know to bring his text books home for homework...seems obvious, right? Not for a kid who has always had his books in our school room. OH, the white crew socks are for gym day? eek...a 9 year olds worst nightmare, WRONG SOCKS!!


So this post is for all my ladies who have always sent their school, who are old hat at this. Kudos, because this stuff ain't easy--I Don't know HOW you do it! But the good news for me, is this: GOD DOES!! I have come back to this time and again(this year and in my homeschooling years by the way!)

"I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength!" Phil 4:13

I have been asked countless times by my friends and family members how things are going. The truth is, overall pretty well. My girls are really happy. My son is finding the transition tough--not unexpectedly so as he did not want to go. My answer to my homeschooling Mama friends is this: "I've traded the crazy of the school time hours for the crazy of the afternoon/evening hours." It is a lot quieter at my home during the school day(which is both nice and also a little sad), After school, the peace has vanished amidst a whirlwind of homework, dinner, sports, etc. I still have my 1st/2nd grader at home as well as my 3 year old...so things are never TOO quiet. But it is different. For sure.

Tides of Change

It seems to be about this time every year, at the beach, when I get a feeling I want to write something on my blog. The reality is, it is this time, when most of my other duties pass away for a blessed 2 weeks, that I have time to sit and think. It was this time last year that I felt the Lord calling me to trust to him one more year of homeschooling. It was a challenging year. A year where I saw many successes and much growth in both my children and myself. There were academic accomplishments, personal achievements, as well as growing pains. I am happy we gave it another year. I love having my children around me--even though I need a break sometimes. There are a lot of things I love about homeschooling. There are things I don't love as well. That comes with the territory of being human, I think. There are always a set of challenges to overcome, whatever state of life you may be in.

Last summer, and the deep calling I felt, was only the beginning. I have been on a journey of learning to trust and surrender, and submit. Over the last year, I felt the Lord moving my heart to make some changes, some seemingly subtle changes, other changes, fairly big. It's pretty hard to explain a year long beckoning, but the short of it is this. I felt the Lord calling me to a deeper stage of trust. Trust in Him. Trusting in my husband, whom God put in my life. Being submissive in a very Christian way, to my husband, who loves me and my children and is made to LEAD us. God speaks to me so gently, but ever so persistently. I hear him in the Mass readings. I hear him through my devotional readings, I hear him in my heart through prayer. I hear his voice through conversations with friends. While my heart was being led to this point, I felt the tug of desire to "let it all go." Fear was holding me back. Fear of changes, fear of the unknown, fear that what I had done all these years would not add up. At the same time, the Spirit was moving in my husband as well. My husband is a very successful sales leader, and he leads many people to much success at work. During a conversation we were having about homeschooling and just about the peace in our household, he humbly asked me to trust him, as his sales people trust him, to hand this decision (about our homeschooling, as well as some other decisions)over to him. It was as if a weight, almost imperceptible up to this point, lifted from my shoulders. I knew God had been preparing me for this moment for quite some time. My husband said, he didn't know what his decision would be, but that I could trust him. The freedom that small "yes" brought was exhilarating.  Over the course of the next few months, I was to be tested by my own emotions and the reality of what that "yes" really meant.

I am what you might call a control freak. I like to know what is going on. I am a planner. To let go of the control was, I think, one of the main things God requesting.  As the conversation and pendulum of decision swung back and forth between homeschooling and sending the kids to school, my heart and life felt like it was in the balance. (Sometimes on the brink if you get my meaning!) There was so much to consider. Which children do we send? All or a few? Where do we send them, if that is the choice?(the schools we like were 30 minutes to 1hour away!) What would life be like trying to balance the extracurriculars after school time? Some of our children did not want to even CONSIDER going to school, while others were ecstatic over the possibility. We visited the school we had chosen, admitting to ourselves that it was not perfect and that there would be things that we would not necessarily like. But I came to the conclusion that God is the protector of my children and their souls WHEREVER they are educated. And it was essentially my pride that told me otherwise. I had put God into a box, and while the homeschooling scenario(one which we may return to at some point) is a beautiful choice, it is not the only one God blesses. We decided, it was time to enroll the kids. We at first enrolled the four oldest, leaving me only with MG, but after some further prayer snd discussion, we decided to keep Cait home again for the time being. I am at peace. Words of wisdom that trickled down to me from a fellow homeschooling mom(which came from a experienced homeschooling consultant) "Homeschooling is a wonderful thing, but one should never homeschool at ALL COSTS." These words came to me after we had announced to my homeschooling community that our older 3 children would be attending school in the Fall. It was certainly a balm to my raw soul, as it is hard to take on change of this magnitude.

Fast Forward three months, and here we are, squeezing the last bit of summer from the year. In fact the kids' first day of school is NEXT WEDNESDAY! Due to a last minute scheduling change by the school district, our vacation overlaps! They will depart for their first day(albeit SUPER early) from the beach. We have nerves, excitement, and some anxieties, but mostly I am eager for this new chapter in life(I hate that cliche but it fits). Honestly, I don't know how I am going to handle the driving (2 hours a day), the lunch making, the balancing of sports and activities, piano, dinner, homework. But I trust that it will fall into place, and become the new normal. It will be ok. My kids will be ok. And God's plan is always better than our own.

I got to thinking about God's plan, and his will. I thought about how hard it was for me to give up control to my husband, but once I did, the peace washed over me in waves. I know that is what God wants from me. Not my will, Lord, but yours be done. Come Spirit, draw me into the ocean of your peace.

Cast your nets, just one more time.

The gospel today: Luke 5:1-11, the story about Jesus telling Simon to throw his nets in the water even after fishing all night to no avail, and coming up with your nets full and teaming with fish...to the point of breaking...makes me ponder. 

 I often feel I've been at this homeschooling thing to no avail. I question where my kids are academically, am I doing everything wrong, am I up to the task of shouldering this huge responsibility that is my children's education? Sometimes this feeling doesn't set in right away when the kids are younger. For me it comes when the kids start getting into 4th, 5th, 6th grades...when the pressures of comparison start sinking in, self doubt is the rule of the day. I find myself saying with Peter, "Lord, I've been working all "night," but I guess I'll throw that net over one more time." I get the feeling that Peter was not so sure about what the outcome would be. In fact, when he pulls the nets in, almost to the point of breaking for the amount of fish, he declares, 

"When Simon Peter saw this, he fell at the knees of Jesus and said,

“Depart from me, Lord, for I am a sinful man.”

Seems to me, he shares that cynical feeling, that lack of faith that is, for us, the hindrance of God's grace in so many of our lives. But Simon pushes through that, and throws his nets over anyway, even as he "knows" that he has already done this, with nothing to show for it. In fact, after he went ahead, despite any misgivings he may have had, any doubts, he threw those nets over AGAIN, and to his astonishment, the results were beyond anything for which he could have hoped.

This spoke to my heart as I head for the beginning of a new school year with the children. It is a year that has me part excited for the ways I hope to change things up, but mostly very anxious. I feel the Lord saying to me, "I know you have been throwing your net, in some cases, every day for years, but throw it again. Like Simon, I think to myself, wearily, "Ok Lord...I'll do it again," but I have to be prepared to be astonished as my Lord does amazing things. It bolsters my spirit as the Word of God comes to me now, in this moment before embarking upon another school year, one which is coming with a good bit of anxiety. It is a reminder that His word has so much life for me. In fact, in the almost 2 weeks of vacation and decidedly "turning off" from thinking about schooling, I have heard encouragement again and again through scripture and morning prayer. 

Why is it that we go through life, relying on the wisdom of man? Our logic, our rationalized thinking? If I can just accept what God has brought me for TODAY, not next week or month or the year at a whole, I can do just about anything. For it is as the quote on my fireplace mantle reminds me, 

"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Phil 4:13

 In many of Jesus' miracles, the offering of the person in comparison to what Christ gives in return, is miniscule. An empty net, coupled with a willingness to trust. A small basket of loaves and fishes. It's my prayer that I can at least throw my empty net, my small basket of loaves and fishes, then, to be small enough to let the Lord astonish me.

Braving New Waters

There are so many new possibilities at the beginning of something. All your hopes and dreams and ideals loom at the horizon and you feel a prick of excitement. You have a voice in the back of your head that reminds you that obstacles and problems that are sure to arise, but the promise of the good things pushes you forward. I am standing at the edge, staring into an ocean of possibilities. I am walking away from the known. It is terrifying and exhilarating all at the same time.

The above may seem an exaggeration once I expound. But to me, it is not. I am a rule-follower by nature. I like to have checklists and books and curriculum plans to tell me I am doing it right, that everything is going to be okay. Recently, however, I have felt more and more "bound" by the lists, enslaved by the curriculum. My children have not fit neatly inside the box like they "should." My children, much to my chagrin, are not "readers." Meaning, they do not devour book after book after book. (like their mother) This is a bit hard when much of the aforementioned curriculum is a LOT of reading. So, instead of continuing to try and stuff my children into a box in which they do not fit, I am choosing to meet my children where they are, trying to teach educate the child, and form a strong foundation for life long learning. Isn't that the goal of education? Not to make them able to spit out facts, but to help them be life learners?

Of course I have questions, concerns, and doubts. I am praying non-stop for guidance, trying to make the best decisions I can for my family. As a homeschool mom, I always find myself seeking the advice of very seasoned homeschool moms; moms who've graduated several children and seen them off to college, married, with children of their own. This is always helpful and there is always a lot of talking me down off the side of the building. But I find there is never the "perfect" piece of advice. There is never that person who knows EXACTLY what I should do--and that is because no 2 people walk the same exact paths. No 2 people wear the same proverbial shoes. And further, no two homeschools will look alike. The old saying, "comparison is the thief of joy"(sorry, wish i could give that a credit), holds very true, and is a great reminder when I am feeling overwhelmed. It is SO easy to think the grass is greener everywhere you turn. I know that that is not the case. As my sister in law always reminds me, when I am particularly freaking out, "if you were to send your kids to school, you would just be trading one set of problems for another." I think this holds true for so many things.

As a homeschooling mom, it is easy to overthink EVERYTHING! To compare yourselves to your friends who OBVIOUSLY have everything perfect and are raising little Merit Scholars and will be sending their children to the best colleges on full ride scholarships, while you just grasp and hope your child can read and write his/her name properly.  Haha...but no, seriously. Sometimes it feels like that. And every time you let a "well-meaning" neighbor/friend/family member, have their say or question what you are doing, it is tough not to second guess yourself. But alas, I have forged through those murky waters for far too long. (I am feeling a little Let It Go coming on...now i am singing...sorry, i digress) I want to slough off that feeling of inadequacy and shout, "I KNOW MY CHILDREN!! I KNOW WHAT THEY NEED--even if I can only pinpoint that they are not getting it--yet!! And even if their education doesn't look like your child's, rest assured I have done more research, more agonizing, more praying and more scrutiny about what he/she needs to succeed and be educated than what seems humanly possible!!" It feels oddly freeing, and somewhat  alottawhat terrifying, to go against the flow. That's okay though. I still have question marks to fill in. I have been poring over my schedule, and something doesn't feel quite right yet. I am praying through that. I trust that I can get it figured out in the next few weeks. And, heck, if we start a little shaky, I am hoping that we'll just get into our groove, and that things will smooth out on the way!

This is WHO it is all about.

I think, for my own frame of reference, I will write a little planning post soon. To outline how I am changing things up. I am a person who likes to see things in writing. It helps it to sink in. That is why I think I love reading other people's planning posts too. I am going a bit more classical in approach this year. Even though MODG is considered a classical curriculum, it is somewhat difficult for me to make that work for all my children all at once going in so many different directions. So hopefully this year, will bring us all together a little bit more. In the meantime, I am following some great posts over at Schole Sisters and  I have been following Sarah at Amongst Lovely Things for awhile and it was her series on Teaching From the State of Rest that really inspired me to take a hard look at what wasn't working for us.

Education doesn't have to be about books and facts and test scores. In fact, I would argue that it SHOULDN't be about those things. I want my children to be virtuous, diligent, hard-working, moral individuals, who have learned to see the Truth, Beauty and Goodness in our world. Who can be a person who not only seeks those things, but is able to be a beacon for those things in this world. In fact, I want to be that type of person too.

Singing a song of Gratitude.

Well, I'm not currently singing...actually, now I am. Okay. Anyway, I just wanted to post a few of the many things for which I am grateful.

1. The weather today was such a mood booster!! It was GORGEOUS out. Utterly and absolutely. Which leads me to another thing...

2. I got to go on an hour long drive(well 2 hours if you count the drive home again) BY MYSELF...along the most beautiful route! I mean, i was literally moved to tears by the beauty. Beautiful farmland, rolling hills, babbling brooks, and creeks, buds just peeking and opening up on some of the flowering trees. Daffodils smiling. (This is the part where my husband is laughing at me and shaking his head and saying maybe I am a little emotional today). But I disagree...God MADE me this way. Nature speaks directly to my soul. It makes me SO SO SO happy. Except when it is just bitter cold and snow is up to my eyeballs...and then I want to cry for reasons other than pure joy. But I digress. Nature...sigh. Yes. I love it.

This girl is too much. 

3. Did I mention I was by myself above? Yes...several GLORIOUS quiet hours by myself, singing praise and worship music, taking in the Glory of God's beauty. yes. I am still thankful here for that again in #3.

4. Sweet melodious laughter of my 20 month old(that is 20 months as of TODAY I might add). It poured happiness and laughter into my heart hearing her laugh.

5. Reading on the couch with my 5 year old. She is SO eager to learn. I am TRYING to soak it up, because, somehow, their eagerness is not so eager as they get older. I just loved it.

This was a fun one Maddie did a few days back

6. I sort of went off grid today...as in, I abandoned our normal routine this morning since I had an appointment later, and we did some really fun art. Just "line art" but I sat with the kids and we drew and colored together...and everyone enjoyed it a lot!

Maddie's creation for today

Giving over...not Giving up!

This post could also be called: Seeing the Forest through the Trees

Unfortunately, I wish this was a more "tutorial" and less "HELP ME LORD" type post...but alas...I guess I just have to get it on paper screen and try to sort this all out. 

I've been on a journey of Restoration from burnout. As mentioned in the last few posts. It has been a bit of retreat, a bit workshop, and a lot of spiritual legwork. It is funny, my sister in law "themed" her lent this year as a year she was going to "Dig Deeper." And while I thought it was a really great jumping off point, I didn't really give it a lot of deep(yeah, i went there) thought. I sort of began Lent with the intention of drawing close to the Lord, and through prayer and sacrifice, I hoped it would be fruitful. So this idea of "dig deeper" was her thing, in my estimation. However, God had much different plans. In fact, he decided that "digging deep" was going to be JUST what he had in store for me. 

In all areas of my life, the topsoil has been turned over. 

• Homeschooling(I want to SIMPLIFY) And THIS is where my title comes in! HOW do I properly simplify?? It is a hard time for me to "change" things up, because, quite frankly, I am tired...tired of the repetition, tired of the "get er done" attitude, and if I am really honest...I feel lazy in some areas. Like I am weary of the "fight" of certain things. But is that weariness going to lead me to "give up?" I don't want to give up a bunch of stuff, overhaul the curriculum, let the check list go, all under the guise of simplification. It could so easily become, ME, and not GOD. That is why I truly NEED to figure this out. I want to SURRENDER, to give OVER what I am trying to control, while not feeling like I am "throwing all caution to the wind!" In other words, surrender responsibly. Oh boy...I am NOT at all sure that that is what I am going for....So lets back up, I want to surrender. PERIOD. Yes, much better. But the steps to this are getting me, and therein lies the problem. I will wait upon the Lord on this...and hope he shows me. 

• curriculum(Are these the right choices...is there PEACE here?) This goes back to simplifying, trusting, knowing that it is God who I am trying to please.

• attachments(both worldly, sentimentally, and spiritually--(which begs detachment---which, in turn begs the question of healing in that area)) I want a well ordered and simple home environment.

• ill-fitting yokes, what are they? which ones are they? how to figure that out?...are they of God? are they not mine to carry? Again, praying this through. 

• What are the "big" goals in my life...what SHOULD they be...what are the steps God is asking me to make TOWARD those goals. 

WOAH!! It is just so all at once. It feels like I am a murky muddy mess. Sort of like my garden after what feels like 6 straight months of winter and deep snow(and a leftover tomato cage or 3 sticking out of the ground--just keeping it real). I just want to make SENSE of it all. I am committed to this path to restoration, so I guess, somewhere in the tilling of my heart, God is at work. He is preparing the soil, fertilizing it, watering it just so, so that in His time, beauty will bloom. It is not a coincidence that at the beginning of this journey, a scripture brought forward to me was: 

Amen, amen, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains just a grain of wheat;^r but if it dies, it produces much fruit. 

--John 12:24

I feel that I am walking through this journey, seemingly full of unknowns, and dark corners I can't quite get a good look at, but as I walk, it is as if I am rising from the ashes. There is beauty just around the corner. In fact, there is beauty in this moment, right before the shoot pushes through. In other words, there is joy in the journey. 

Today...

Outside my window...

It's an overcast kind of day. Cool and rainy.

Giving thanks... 

Thankful for being "needed." For a lovely slow Sunday morning. For the promise of Jesus in the Eucharist. For happy children belting out Frozen songs. For a sweet niece, that always has upbuilding words to say about everyone. For conversations with my husband, and the hot breakfast he made our family. For a fun gymnastics season, and for Anna's wonderful accomplishment of nailing her back handspring. 

I am thinking about...

Discernment, what it means, steps it requires. How to listen to the Lord speak. Especially in how to discern between things that are not necessarily clear choices. Thinking about how to simplify: home, school, life.

In the Schoolroom...

We've begun to read aloud again. Embarrassingly, we just completed a book which we started....(cough)....last summer. I think reading aloud is so beneficial...but I have been held bound too long by a syllabus. Praying for freedom from this very thing. I want to hear the Lord speak simplicity into our daily lives, and I think this requires a return to basics. Possibly an upheaval of our current way...we'll see.

From the kitchen...

My handsome husband, nourishing us with his Sunday breakfast!! A little planning going on...I realized that MEAL PLANNING needs to take a front seat. It is going IN the planner. Thankful for a stocked fridge, and a plan this week. Rosamary Lemon Pork tenderloin is on the menu for tonight.

I am creating...

I made a sugar scrub this week. I am also creating a "plan."

I don't ever want to forget...

Silly girl...and the mess of living.

The gentle love of a brother.

A girl and her daddy.

Sisters and best friends.

Mary Grace "playing" clue (much to the chagrin of Aidan). How she says "glasses" (gashes) and grabs them off my face and says "Aan-na". Caitlin saying "squishy squishy squeeze."

I am working on...

Working on goals and steps with my husband. Working on making my new awesome planner work for me! I'm loving seeing my Erin Condren planner....the loveliness and fun of it makes me want to use it!

I am reading...

Cutting for Stone Abraham Verghese --Lots of medical speak...but intrigued by the underlying story. I have a few others on my kindle to finish as well, before my library loan ends. I am also reading In Conversation with God which I love. 

I am praying...

For a plethora of intentions. Friends and family that are carrying heavy crosses. Crosses I have never known. For discernment, for quiet in my spirit. For Madeline who'll be making her first Reconciliation this week. For Anna preparing for her Confirmation.  

Praying for healing and the grace to detach in order to SIMPLIFY.

I am struggling...

To know how to simplify without "giving up." To know the difference between letting go of stuff just because I am sick of it, or because God is leading me there.

I am hearing...

All the kids talking and laughing and generally having a great time.

Clicking around...

Absolutely LOVING this series on rest from Sarah at AmongstLovelyThings. I HIGHLY recommend it.

I am also enjoying my husbands stealth return to Facebook to drop me little love letters. I have missed him there.

Around the house...

I am seeing so many things that need to be done. Countertops that should be cleared and de-cluttered, bookshelves that need to be thinned. Drawers that need to be trimmed. Deep breath, God is in this chaos.

One of my favorite things...

Hot coffee in the morning. Next to brushing my teeth, this is pretty much the FIRST thing that needs to happen in the morning.

A few plans for the next week...

Anna will take her Peabody test, Madeline will make her first Reconciliation. I will leave for a retreat and reunion with College Friends.