Giving over...not Giving up!

This post could also be called: Seeing the Forest through the Trees

Unfortunately, I wish this was a more "tutorial" and less "HELP ME LORD" type post...but alas...I guess I just have to get it on paper screen and try to sort this all out. 

I've been on a journey of Restoration from burnout. As mentioned in the last few posts. It has been a bit of retreat, a bit workshop, and a lot of spiritual legwork. It is funny, my sister in law "themed" her lent this year as a year she was going to "Dig Deeper." And while I thought it was a really great jumping off point, I didn't really give it a lot of deep(yeah, i went there) thought. I sort of began Lent with the intention of drawing close to the Lord, and through prayer and sacrifice, I hoped it would be fruitful. So this idea of "dig deeper" was her thing, in my estimation. However, God had much different plans. In fact, he decided that "digging deep" was going to be JUST what he had in store for me. 

In all areas of my life, the topsoil has been turned over. 

• Homeschooling(I want to SIMPLIFY) And THIS is where my title comes in! HOW do I properly simplify?? It is a hard time for me to "change" things up, because, quite frankly, I am tired...tired of the repetition, tired of the "get er done" attitude, and if I am really honest...I feel lazy in some areas. Like I am weary of the "fight" of certain things. But is that weariness going to lead me to "give up?" I don't want to give up a bunch of stuff, overhaul the curriculum, let the check list go, all under the guise of simplification. It could so easily become, ME, and not GOD. That is why I truly NEED to figure this out. I want to SURRENDER, to give OVER what I am trying to control, while not feeling like I am "throwing all caution to the wind!" In other words, surrender responsibly. Oh boy...I am NOT at all sure that that is what I am going for....So lets back up, I want to surrender. PERIOD. Yes, much better. But the steps to this are getting me, and therein lies the problem. I will wait upon the Lord on this...and hope he shows me. 

• curriculum(Are these the right choices...is there PEACE here?) This goes back to simplifying, trusting, knowing that it is God who I am trying to please.

• attachments(both worldly, sentimentally, and spiritually--(which begs detachment---which, in turn begs the question of healing in that area)) I want a well ordered and simple home environment.

• ill-fitting yokes, what are they? which ones are they? how to figure that out?...are they of God? are they not mine to carry? Again, praying this through. 

• What are the "big" goals in my life...what SHOULD they be...what are the steps God is asking me to make TOWARD those goals. 

WOAH!! It is just so all at once. It feels like I am a murky muddy mess. Sort of like my garden after what feels like 6 straight months of winter and deep snow(and a leftover tomato cage or 3 sticking out of the ground--just keeping it real). I just want to make SENSE of it all. I am committed to this path to restoration, so I guess, somewhere in the tilling of my heart, God is at work. He is preparing the soil, fertilizing it, watering it just so, so that in His time, beauty will bloom. It is not a coincidence that at the beginning of this journey, a scripture brought forward to me was: 

Amen, amen, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains just a grain of wheat;^r but if it dies, it produces much fruit. 

--John 12:24

I feel that I am walking through this journey, seemingly full of unknowns, and dark corners I can't quite get a good look at, but as I walk, it is as if I am rising from the ashes. There is beauty just around the corner. In fact, there is beauty in this moment, right before the shoot pushes through. In other words, there is joy in the journey. 

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

I am still pondering the verse: 

"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." 

The idea was that we should pray this verse with our husbands to see where the Lord is calling us to take off ill-fitting yokes, to be replaced by the yoke he has made for us. I feel deeply, that this is very important to me, and in fact, the  Lord has gently repeated this to me several times through prayer and reading that this is indeed what he asks of me. 

I tend to focus on my "daily." I tend to look into the everyday things i might be carrying. So, naturally, I turn to our school day, and ask the question there. But I struggle. I stop at this. I can't decide if I in my weariness want to "throw off" yokes that I dislike, out of an "I'm sick of the monontany/weariness" or even an excuse to be lazy. How do I discern? How can I move forward? I mean, I BELIEVE in the curriculum we are doing, I WANT my children to memorize things, I WANT them to know their catechism. The practice of it drives me BATTY. 

For different reasons, my husband and I didn't "get to" this conversation this past weekend. Other than a passing comment or two, it just didnt happen. I am also a little afraid, that he'll say, oh "homeschooling" is the burden you need to lay down. He sees my weariness, my burnout so to speak. And it doesn't help that the Ice Queen will not stay her ferocious finger to relieve us from this everlasting winter! 

So if I move on from there, where else could the Lord be asking me to search for ill-fitting yokes? What else am I carrying that may not be mine to carry? Emotional burdens? Outside activities? 

This all really begs the question: What is the best way to discern? This has always been somewhat of a stumbling block for me. I feel that I  pray and pray, and just continue doing what I think. There are marked moments that I feel a certain peace. A "knowing" that God has pointed me to one thing or another. And most other times, I am sort of stepping forward, with my teeth clenched hoping the ground doesn't give way. 

In a book I read, (a current favorite of mine that I still pick up every few days or weeks) Consoling the Heart of Jesus by Fr. Mike Gaitley, he describes several ways to discern spirits. One of the ways that sticks with me is this: "Don't 'Run!'" In essence, he says a trick of the Devil is to use this sense of urgency...to make us feel, I HAVE TO DO THIS RIGHT NOW! Whether it is a a life change, or an impulse, he attempts to send us off and running without our reason, and without the Lord. Oftentimes, I try and "sleep on" something if I am feeling an overwhelming sense of urgency about a decision, or an "I need to do this RIGHT NOW" feeling. We feel frantic and rushed. We feel, life just will not go on if we don't do whatever this thing is NOW.

Another point Gaitley makes is, when in a time of desolation do NOT change a decision! For a homeschool mom, that MIGHT just be February, or March in the case of the never ending winter. I recently told a mama new to homeschooling this year, seeing the sheer exhaustion in her face, and her eyes telling me she was looking for the nearest school to send her kindergartner, that the first rule in Homeschooling is to NEVER, EVER make a decision about quitting homeschooling in February or March. Now, maybe that is not an absolute, but it rings pretty true! He says that if you have made a decision in a time of peace and consolation, you should not undo the decision when in the midst of trouble. 

That being said, sometime there MAY be a need to simplify, to reconsider if we are suffering from burnout. I feel a sense of peace when thinking of simplification. I felt a sense of excitement when I prayed through the idea of schooling from the state of rest. As if there was a goodness that was about to burst through and flood like a light into my life. I trust that the Lord is walking me through all of this. I know his hand is on me. 

A week in review, and a moment of gratitude

I am thinking back on my week and seeing so many intertwining threads. From different Mass readings that coincide with the material of the Restore workshop, to different blogs that I am currently reading to help with teaching from the state of rest, that are reinforcing things that God has brought to my heart. I feel that when things echo and re-echo thoughts and ideas in my daily life, it is God's way of saying "Pay attention!" And "Since you sort of didn't listen to this or hear this the first time...here it is again in a new way."

The idea of "rest." I sort of just thought, "I dont need ACTUAL sleep and rest. My baby pretty much sleeps through the night(although last night, she was up a few times). God must be talking to me about a more abstract idea of rest, as in surrender, trust, leaving anxiety and fear to him...etc." But as the days went by this week, I found myself dealing with chronic headache/migraine pain, dizzines, and then bouts of nausea, all associated with these headaches. Now, I have been dealing with the chronic headaches for almost a month. A small daily cross, that most CERTAINLY adds to the irritability of our homeschool day  this homeschool mom. I tend to be unable to peacefully deal with the noise, chaos and continuous nagging loving reminders that are necessary to maintain some semblance of order, routine, and academic accomplishment. But, after a small respite from the majority of the symptoms over last weekend, they came back in full force. I don't take it as a coincidence that Tuesday's post over in Restore was about true resting...as in GO, take a nap. I sort of poo-pooed it, and went on with my day. That was at about 6am. Then 9am rolls around, bringing with it a wicked headache, dizziness, nausea, and overall uncomfortableness. I pushed through the rest of the morning. My dear husband, who, amazingly, is NOT traveling, EVEN at the end of the quarter!! (I'd say Alleluia, but it's lent, and we've put that expression away till Easter!) was working from home and offered to run all the kids to their respective activites of music lessons and preschool. So it was, about noon, my daughter made lunch, and I got to have peace and quiet. The next day, again around 10-12 another wicked headache showed up, with the same accompanying discomfort, and my son said, "Mom, I got this(speaking of some tidying I was doing), you go lie down and rest!"
To top it all off, after a somewhat dissappointing doctor's visit yesterday, my sister-in-law calls to see if she can take my kids to our homeschool co-op so I can, you guessed it, REST! So, no, the irony is not lost on me. God wants me to HEED what he is saying to me. Rest, my daughter. And so, as I sit here and reflect on all the things I have read and prayed about this week, I am trying to take care of myself, to rest. And that being said, my little love is down for a nap, my other 4 are not here, and I am going to rest.

Lent. Enough said.

A few weeks ago my husband asked the kids and I, "Who's excited for lent to start?"
I responded with an enthusiastic, "I aamm!" And I was. I was looking forward to that going "deeper," recommitting myself to daily devotional time, come "hell or high-water," or in my case, an early ringing alarm clock. I had a few "sacrifices" I had decided to give up, etc.

So, Ash Wednesday arrived. We had all our "Lentish" things in place. For us that means, we do some form of Lenten Journey paper, or poster. (A page where you fill in each day as a "check-mark" type thing.) We also re-purposed our Advent prayer intention-a-day idea, and filled a jar/vase with prayer intentions and sacrifices for the day. (Each family member filled out a certain number of prayer intentions and sacrifice ideas.) The idea is that this jar of sacrifices will turn into jellybeans at Easter. And of course we "buried" our Alleluias and each kid picked a sacrificed toy item that would not be seen till Easter, not even on Sundays. I had my devotionals all picked out, my "plan" in place. Some of the kids had started Lenten lapbooks...So, I was ready.

Wednesday was great. We fasted, we prayed, we received Ashes. It was great. Then, night fell. The baby was up. ALL. NIGHT. LONG. My 4 year old, was up 5 times. My alarm rang. It was morning... and I had to homeschool. Then it all hit the fan. I am not proud of my behavior that day...or maybe a few times since. You see, I had my own "plan for Lent. It involved my own tidy sacrifices. My own "way" of doing things. But my Heavenly Father, whom ALWAYS has a perfect plan, knew better. It was only after several days of near-to nervous breakdowns, that I realized...God's plan for me this lent may not include me waking up before the kids, having quiet prayer time so I can begin my day "my way." Instead, I learned, not every lent looks the same. Not every sacrifice we think is good is what God is asking of us. He says: "Rend your Hearts not your Garments." This is such a common thought for the beginning of lent. I have heard many a homily on this very thing. This year it rings true in a loud way. God wasn't/isn't asking me to give up certain things, although I will try and continue to die to myself in ways that present themselves to me. I feel he is asking me to go further. Especially if the "challenges" that have been all too obvious in my daily life have anything to say. God was/is asking something else from me...It is the sacrifice of my "sharp tongue" when I am tired. It is the sacrifice, of loving when I have had no sleep, and my head is pounding. It is the sacrifice of giving, even when I feel like there is nothing left to give. I mean there have been days...it's possible that yesterday was one of those days...that I have an absolute desire, no need, to just be alone, to not be in charge of so much. That even the smallest of my tasks looms above me like a mountain that I am required to climb. I was tired. Cranky. And I am sure I was far from a great example of holy motherhood...I am a weak woman. I make so many mistakes...but I fall back on a sweet promise of my Lord:

The faithful love of the Lord never ends!^[a]

    His mercies never cease.

²³ 

Great is his faithfulness;

    his mercies begin afresh each morning.

²⁴ 

I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;

    therefore, I will hope in him!” Lamintations 3:22-24

Remembering this, I press on. I have to trust in his love and hope in his mercy. If I look forward to the next 30+ days of Lent, and furthermore, the next 11+ weeks I have left in the homeschooling year, I find my strength waning. I feel the burden of my life press upon me like a ton of bricks. But...What our Lord has reminded me is, it is in my weakness that He is strong. (I am not all that strong in my strengths, so I am more than happy to ride that promise out!) It reminds me of a song that one of my good friends used to strum on the guitar and sing in her sweet voice in our dorm rooms at college: A few verses went like this:

"You are the wine, I am the cup. I can do nothing till I am filled up...You are the wind, I am the sail, You are my strength and without you I fail. Breathe but a sigh, And I'll open wide, please gently fill me with you. Please gently fill me with you."

I remember a few years back, when I was so exhausted one time, upon waking, I just knelt by my bed, and prayed, "Well Lord, I am so exhausted, but I guess this is what you are asking of me. Please do it all for me today." And you know what? He did. I remember going to bed that night with far fewer regrets about screaming and yelling than I had when I relied on my own strength.

I think that is what this Lent has turned into for me. I think God is asking me to completely embrace my daily life and duties...but not on my own. To face the sometimes monumental-seeming tasks with his strength. With HIS love. What I have been reminded of, is that I don't have to have it all together. I don't have to be super mom, and super wife, and super (enter whatever it is that I am supposed to do superbly). I just have to be me, emptied out--So that he can be strong in my weaknesses.

I want to suggest a few things for devotional reading if you are looking. I started reading the In Conversation with God series, just prior to Lent. A good friend of mine suggested it. I love this book because I find that every time I get to reading it, I am blessed. It always says something pertinent to my life. The other book that I am loving right now is Consoling the Heart of Jesus by Father Michael Gaitley. The same friend suggested this book, and I am ever so glad she did. It is so beautiful. I have always had a great devotion to St. Therese the Little Flower, and over the past year or so, I have grown in a great devotion to St. Faustina, and this book combines both spiritualities in a beautiful way.  Both of these selections are wonderful ways to go "deeper" this Lent. In fact, they both helped to lead me to my "conclusions" above about this Lent.

This is only the beginning of Lent. I suspect I have had a good preview of what is to come. I am sure many of you have too. But, at least now I feel "armed" so to speak. I feel like the Lord has reminded me of the "way" to go. For that I am grateful. I pray that this Lent will bring each of us a little closer to our Blessed Lord. That we may willingly walk a little closer to him as he walks the road to Calvary. That we may find ways to console His Heart, and we may offer our small crosses to him moment by moment.

Holy Week

So, as I was doing my Women of Grace Study this week...we were looking to see if there were any areas where we might struggle with inordinate attachment.  As I was reflecting and praying, I felt that maybe I needed to "give up" my internet time especially this week for Holy Week to allow myself to more fully enter into our Lord's Passion and Death. I felt it would also allow me to grow in the "virtue" of attentiveness to my family and familial needs. I am praying for the grace to grow in that area. I know we only have TODAY to live, not yesterday, and not tomorrow, but today, the present moment. And if I dont embrace that to its fullest, I am missing out on the life God wants for me, and all the blessings. I pray that each of you may grow closer to Jesus this week and know his boundless love for you. That you may give your hearts fully to him, so to be filled with his joy. God bless you this Holy Week.