Cast your nets, just one more time.

The gospel today: Luke 5:1-11, the story about Jesus telling Simon to throw his nets in the water even after fishing all night to no avail, and coming up with your nets full and teaming with fish...to the point of breaking...makes me ponder. 

 I often feel I've been at this homeschooling thing to no avail. I question where my kids are academically, am I doing everything wrong, am I up to the task of shouldering this huge responsibility that is my children's education? Sometimes this feeling doesn't set in right away when the kids are younger. For me it comes when the kids start getting into 4th, 5th, 6th grades...when the pressures of comparison start sinking in, self doubt is the rule of the day. I find myself saying with Peter, "Lord, I've been working all "night," but I guess I'll throw that net over one more time." I get the feeling that Peter was not so sure about what the outcome would be. In fact, when he pulls the nets in, almost to the point of breaking for the amount of fish, he declares, 

"When Simon Peter saw this, he fell at the knees of Jesus and said,

“Depart from me, Lord, for I am a sinful man.”

Seems to me, he shares that cynical feeling, that lack of faith that is, for us, the hindrance of God's grace in so many of our lives. But Simon pushes through that, and throws his nets over anyway, even as he "knows" that he has already done this, with nothing to show for it. In fact, after he went ahead, despite any misgivings he may have had, any doubts, he threw those nets over AGAIN, and to his astonishment, the results were beyond anything for which he could have hoped.

This spoke to my heart as I head for the beginning of a new school year with the children. It is a year that has me part excited for the ways I hope to change things up, but mostly very anxious. I feel the Lord saying to me, "I know you have been throwing your net, in some cases, every day for years, but throw it again. Like Simon, I think to myself, wearily, "Ok Lord...I'll do it again," but I have to be prepared to be astonished as my Lord does amazing things. It bolsters my spirit as the Word of God comes to me now, in this moment before embarking upon another school year, one which is coming with a good bit of anxiety. It is a reminder that His word has so much life for me. In fact, in the almost 2 weeks of vacation and decidedly "turning off" from thinking about schooling, I have heard encouragement again and again through scripture and morning prayer. 

Why is it that we go through life, relying on the wisdom of man? Our logic, our rationalized thinking? If I can just accept what God has brought me for TODAY, not next week or month or the year at a whole, I can do just about anything. For it is as the quote on my fireplace mantle reminds me, 

"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Phil 4:13

 In many of Jesus' miracles, the offering of the person in comparison to what Christ gives in return, is miniscule. An empty net, coupled with a willingness to trust. A small basket of loaves and fishes. It's my prayer that I can at least throw my empty net, my small basket of loaves and fishes, then, to be small enough to let the Lord astonish me.

Lent. Enough said.

A few weeks ago my husband asked the kids and I, "Who's excited for lent to start?"
I responded with an enthusiastic, "I aamm!" And I was. I was looking forward to that going "deeper," recommitting myself to daily devotional time, come "hell or high-water," or in my case, an early ringing alarm clock. I had a few "sacrifices" I had decided to give up, etc.

So, Ash Wednesday arrived. We had all our "Lentish" things in place. For us that means, we do some form of Lenten Journey paper, or poster. (A page where you fill in each day as a "check-mark" type thing.) We also re-purposed our Advent prayer intention-a-day idea, and filled a jar/vase with prayer intentions and sacrifices for the day. (Each family member filled out a certain number of prayer intentions and sacrifice ideas.) The idea is that this jar of sacrifices will turn into jellybeans at Easter. And of course we "buried" our Alleluias and each kid picked a sacrificed toy item that would not be seen till Easter, not even on Sundays. I had my devotionals all picked out, my "plan" in place. Some of the kids had started Lenten lapbooks...So, I was ready.

Wednesday was great. We fasted, we prayed, we received Ashes. It was great. Then, night fell. The baby was up. ALL. NIGHT. LONG. My 4 year old, was up 5 times. My alarm rang. It was morning... and I had to homeschool. Then it all hit the fan. I am not proud of my behavior that day...or maybe a few times since. You see, I had my own "plan for Lent. It involved my own tidy sacrifices. My own "way" of doing things. But my Heavenly Father, whom ALWAYS has a perfect plan, knew better. It was only after several days of near-to nervous breakdowns, that I realized...God's plan for me this lent may not include me waking up before the kids, having quiet prayer time so I can begin my day "my way." Instead, I learned, not every lent looks the same. Not every sacrifice we think is good is what God is asking of us. He says: "Rend your Hearts not your Garments." This is such a common thought for the beginning of lent. I have heard many a homily on this very thing. This year it rings true in a loud way. God wasn't/isn't asking me to give up certain things, although I will try and continue to die to myself in ways that present themselves to me. I feel he is asking me to go further. Especially if the "challenges" that have been all too obvious in my daily life have anything to say. God was/is asking something else from me...It is the sacrifice of my "sharp tongue" when I am tired. It is the sacrifice, of loving when I have had no sleep, and my head is pounding. It is the sacrifice of giving, even when I feel like there is nothing left to give. I mean there have been days...it's possible that yesterday was one of those days...that I have an absolute desire, no need, to just be alone, to not be in charge of so much. That even the smallest of my tasks looms above me like a mountain that I am required to climb. I was tired. Cranky. And I am sure I was far from a great example of holy motherhood...I am a weak woman. I make so many mistakes...but I fall back on a sweet promise of my Lord:

The faithful love of the Lord never ends!^[a]

    His mercies never cease.

²³ 

Great is his faithfulness;

    his mercies begin afresh each morning.

²⁴ 

I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;

    therefore, I will hope in him!” Lamintations 3:22-24

Remembering this, I press on. I have to trust in his love and hope in his mercy. If I look forward to the next 30+ days of Lent, and furthermore, the next 11+ weeks I have left in the homeschooling year, I find my strength waning. I feel the burden of my life press upon me like a ton of bricks. But...What our Lord has reminded me is, it is in my weakness that He is strong. (I am not all that strong in my strengths, so I am more than happy to ride that promise out!) It reminds me of a song that one of my good friends used to strum on the guitar and sing in her sweet voice in our dorm rooms at college: A few verses went like this:

"You are the wine, I am the cup. I can do nothing till I am filled up...You are the wind, I am the sail, You are my strength and without you I fail. Breathe but a sigh, And I'll open wide, please gently fill me with you. Please gently fill me with you."

I remember a few years back, when I was so exhausted one time, upon waking, I just knelt by my bed, and prayed, "Well Lord, I am so exhausted, but I guess this is what you are asking of me. Please do it all for me today." And you know what? He did. I remember going to bed that night with far fewer regrets about screaming and yelling than I had when I relied on my own strength.

I think that is what this Lent has turned into for me. I think God is asking me to completely embrace my daily life and duties...but not on my own. To face the sometimes monumental-seeming tasks with his strength. With HIS love. What I have been reminded of, is that I don't have to have it all together. I don't have to be super mom, and super wife, and super (enter whatever it is that I am supposed to do superbly). I just have to be me, emptied out--So that he can be strong in my weaknesses.

I want to suggest a few things for devotional reading if you are looking. I started reading the In Conversation with God series, just prior to Lent. A good friend of mine suggested it. I love this book because I find that every time I get to reading it, I am blessed. It always says something pertinent to my life. The other book that I am loving right now is Consoling the Heart of Jesus by Father Michael Gaitley. The same friend suggested this book, and I am ever so glad she did. It is so beautiful. I have always had a great devotion to St. Therese the Little Flower, and over the past year or so, I have grown in a great devotion to St. Faustina, and this book combines both spiritualities in a beautiful way.  Both of these selections are wonderful ways to go "deeper" this Lent. In fact, they both helped to lead me to my "conclusions" above about this Lent.

This is only the beginning of Lent. I suspect I have had a good preview of what is to come. I am sure many of you have too. But, at least now I feel "armed" so to speak. I feel like the Lord has reminded me of the "way" to go. For that I am grateful. I pray that this Lent will bring each of us a little closer to our Blessed Lord. That we may willingly walk a little closer to him as he walks the road to Calvary. That we may find ways to console His Heart, and we may offer our small crosses to him moment by moment.