Crossroads

I have been homeschooling for several years now. About 4 years I guess. And I have definitely seen many blessings flow from it. Over the last 6 months +, I have been finding my patience waining. I am sure if you ask ANY homeschooling mom of multiple children, (and hey, probably those with only one or two), you will find at some point (maybe many points) they bewail the fact that their patience is in short supply, and that they are ready to throw in the towel. I know probably, everyone at some point or another, in their homeschooling walk, fires up the ole' search engine, and types in the local school's website, just to "see". Well, folks, I have found that I am thinking about it more often. Not because of the education my children are receiving, because, honestly, I think it is pretty good. More because, I am finding myself short on the "loving/kindness" that is so necessary for a nice home environment. This probably has less to do with the fact that I am homeschooling, and more to do with the fact, that I am lacking in some area, but nonetheless, it has me doing that fateful "search". I know, for you homeschooling moms out there, you say "It's nearly February, it happens to ALL of us around this time" "This is when burnout happens to us all...just push through". I hear you. I agree, but something definitely has to change. So that is the crossroads where I am. Standing here, at what seems like a possibly momentous occasion in my life. Do we look into the local Catholic School? Do we push through: "Make it work" as Tim Gunn would say. As I even consider these possibilities, I look fondly, but with some regret already at the time I "didn't appreciate" the gift it is/was to have my children happily surrounding me. I can't just snuggle down for reading time with them on the couch under a blanket. Did I miss out on what was right under my nose for these last four years. Is it almost gone? My heart will surely ache, if I have to watch their little uniformed figures disappear through those big ominous school doors. I will surely mourn the loss of my 8 year old playing house so sweetly with her 4 and 2 year old sisters, during the day. Of my sweet 6 year old son, playing puzzles in the floor. Do I romanticize how it has been? Probably. Do I remember the times when I may have raised my voice. For sure. Do I know that I will miss seeing them "get" something new, choosing their reading material, knowing what they are and, often more importantly, are NOT exposed to. Absolutely. My heart aches even now. During my discernment time, I am praying. I am seeking. I am asking, hoping to hear that not so quiet voice, telling me what to do. I believe so whole-heartedly in homeschooling. Why then, do I get so overwhelmed? Why do I allow myself to act in such a way, that effects our home life, even, perhaps, my marriage. I know God does not want me to be without peace. I also know for readers who do not know what homeschooling is and can be, and who do not share my ideals, may just totally NOT GET what this is all about. I do though. And it is about as big of a decision as I have ever known.

If you think about it, say a prayer for this mother who just wants peace in her home and life. I want to get it right. I don't want to fail my children, my husband. I don't want to fail my God. I don't want to "lose" my children to the "world" and look back and say "why couldn't I have just stuck it out.?" I want my children to know God on a personal and intimate level, and I don't want them to choose the world. I want them to feel loved by me, by God. I want them to grow up strong in their faith, and who they are. I don't want to hold on so tight to something unless I know it is what God requires of me. My prayer is to find out and do what God wants from me. If that is homeschooling, may his joy and peace fill my home. IF that is sending my children to school, allow peace to lead the way.