A few weeks ago my husband asked the kids and I, "Who's excited for lent to start?"I responded with an enthusiastic, "I aamm!" And I was. I was looking forward to that going "deeper," recommitting myself to daily devotional time, come "hell or high-water," or in my case, an early ringing alarm clock. I had a few "sacrifices" I had decided to give up, etc.
So, Ash Wednesday arrived. We had all our "Lentish" things in place. For us that means, we do some form of Lenten Journey paper, or poster. (A page where you fill in each day as a "check-mark" type thing.) We also re-purposed our Advent prayer intention-a-day idea, and filled a jar/vase with prayer intentions and sacrifices for the day. (Each family member filled out a certain number of prayer intentions and sacrifice ideas.) The idea is that this jar of sacrifices will turn into jellybeans at Easter. And of course we "buried" our Alleluias and each kid picked a sacrificed toy item that would not be seen till Easter, not even on Sundays. I had my devotionals all picked out, my "plan" in place. Some of the kids had started Lenten lapbooks...So, I was ready.
Wednesday was great. We fasted, we prayed, we received Ashes. It was great. Then, night fell. The baby was up. ALL. NIGHT. LONG. My 4 year old, was up 5 times. My alarm rang. It was morning... and I had to homeschool. Then it all hit the fan. I am not proud of my behavior that day...or maybe a few times since. You see, I had my own "plan for Lent. It involved my own tidy sacrifices. My own "way" of doing things. But my Heavenly Father, whom ALWAYS has a perfect plan, knew better. It was only after several days of near-to nervous breakdowns, that I realized...God's plan for me this lent may not include me waking up before the kids, having quiet prayer time so I can begin my day "my way." Instead, I learned, not every lent looks the same. Not every sacrifice we think is good is what God is asking of us. He says: "Rend your Hearts not your Garments." This is such a common thought for the beginning of lent. I have heard many a homily on this very thing. This year it rings true in a loud way. God wasn't/isn't asking me to give up certain things, although I will try and continue to die to myself in ways that present themselves to me. I feel he is asking me to go further. Especially if the "challenges" that have been all too obvious in my daily life have anything to say. God was/is asking something else from me...It is the sacrifice of my "sharp tongue" when I am tired. It is the sacrifice, of loving when I have had no sleep, and my head is pounding. It is the sacrifice of giving, even when I feel like there is nothing left to give. I mean there have been days...it's possible that yesterday was one of those days...that I have an absolute desire, no need, to just be alone, to not be in charge of so much. That even the smallest of my tasks looms above me like a mountain that I am required to climb. I was tired. Cranky. And I am sure I was far from a great example of holy motherhood...I am a weak woman. I make so many mistakes...but I fall back on a sweet promise of my Lord:
The faithful love of the Lord never ends![a]
His mercies never cease.
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Great is his faithfulness;
his mercies begin afresh each morning.
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I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;
therefore, I will hope in him!” Lamintations 3:22-24
"You are the wine, I am the cup. I can do nothing till I am filled up...You are the wind, I am the sail, You are my strength and without you I fail. Breathe but a sigh, And I'll open wide, please gently fill me with you. Please gently fill me with you."
I remember a few years back, when I was so exhausted one time, upon waking, I just knelt by my bed, and prayed, "Well Lord, I am so exhausted, but I guess this is what you are asking of me. Please do it all for me today." And you know what? He did. I remember going to bed that night with far fewer regrets about screaming and yelling than I had when I relied on my own strength.
I think that is what this Lent has turned into for me. I think God is asking me to completely embrace my daily life and duties...but not on my own. To face the sometimes monumental-seeming tasks with his strength. With HIS love. What I have been reminded of, is that I don't have to have it all together. I don't have to be super mom, and super wife, and super (enter whatever it is that I am supposed to do superbly). I just have to be me, emptied out--So that he can be strong in my weaknesses.
I want to suggest a few things for devotional reading if you are looking. I started reading the In Conversation with God series, just prior to Lent. A good friend of mine suggested it. I love this book because I find that every time I get to reading it, I am blessed. It always says something pertinent to my life. The other book that I am loving right now is Consoling the Heart of Jesus by Father Michael Gaitley. The same friend suggested this book, and I am ever so glad she did. It is so beautiful. I have always had a great devotion to St. Therese the Little Flower, and over the past year or so, I have grown in a great devotion to St. Faustina, and this book combines both spiritualities in a beautiful way. Both of these selections are wonderful ways to go "deeper" this Lent. In fact, they both helped to lead me to my "conclusions" above about this Lent.
This is only the beginning of Lent. I suspect I have had a good preview of what is to come. I am sure many of you have too. But, at least now I feel "armed" so to speak. I feel like the Lord has reminded me of the "way" to go. For that I am grateful. I pray that this Lent will bring each of us a little closer to our Blessed Lord. That we may willingly walk a little closer to him as he walks the road to Calvary. That we may find ways to console His Heart, and we may offer our small crosses to him moment by moment.
