Giving over...not Giving up!

This post could also be called: Seeing the Forest through the Trees

Unfortunately, I wish this was a more "tutorial" and less "HELP ME LORD" type post...but alas...I guess I just have to get it on paper screen and try to sort this all out. 

I've been on a journey of Restoration from burnout. As mentioned in the last few posts. It has been a bit of retreat, a bit workshop, and a lot of spiritual legwork. It is funny, my sister in law "themed" her lent this year as a year she was going to "Dig Deeper." And while I thought it was a really great jumping off point, I didn't really give it a lot of deep(yeah, i went there) thought. I sort of began Lent with the intention of drawing close to the Lord, and through prayer and sacrifice, I hoped it would be fruitful. So this idea of "dig deeper" was her thing, in my estimation. However, God had much different plans. In fact, he decided that "digging deep" was going to be JUST what he had in store for me. 

In all areas of my life, the topsoil has been turned over. 

• Homeschooling(I want to SIMPLIFY) And THIS is where my title comes in! HOW do I properly simplify?? It is a hard time for me to "change" things up, because, quite frankly, I am tired...tired of the repetition, tired of the "get er done" attitude, and if I am really honest...I feel lazy in some areas. Like I am weary of the "fight" of certain things. But is that weariness going to lead me to "give up?" I don't want to give up a bunch of stuff, overhaul the curriculum, let the check list go, all under the guise of simplification. It could so easily become, ME, and not GOD. That is why I truly NEED to figure this out. I want to SURRENDER, to give OVER what I am trying to control, while not feeling like I am "throwing all caution to the wind!" In other words, surrender responsibly. Oh boy...I am NOT at all sure that that is what I am going for....So lets back up, I want to surrender. PERIOD. Yes, much better. But the steps to this are getting me, and therein lies the problem. I will wait upon the Lord on this...and hope he shows me. 

• curriculum(Are these the right choices...is there PEACE here?) This goes back to simplifying, trusting, knowing that it is God who I am trying to please.

• attachments(both worldly, sentimentally, and spiritually--(which begs detachment---which, in turn begs the question of healing in that area)) I want a well ordered and simple home environment.

• ill-fitting yokes, what are they? which ones are they? how to figure that out?...are they of God? are they not mine to carry? Again, praying this through. 

• What are the "big" goals in my life...what SHOULD they be...what are the steps God is asking me to make TOWARD those goals. 

WOAH!! It is just so all at once. It feels like I am a murky muddy mess. Sort of like my garden after what feels like 6 straight months of winter and deep snow(and a leftover tomato cage or 3 sticking out of the ground--just keeping it real). I just want to make SENSE of it all. I am committed to this path to restoration, so I guess, somewhere in the tilling of my heart, God is at work. He is preparing the soil, fertilizing it, watering it just so, so that in His time, beauty will bloom. It is not a coincidence that at the beginning of this journey, a scripture brought forward to me was: 

Amen, amen, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains just a grain of wheat;^r but if it dies, it produces much fruit. 

--John 12:24

I feel that I am walking through this journey, seemingly full of unknowns, and dark corners I can't quite get a good look at, but as I walk, it is as if I am rising from the ashes. There is beauty just around the corner. In fact, there is beauty in this moment, right before the shoot pushes through. In other words, there is joy in the journey. 

Today...

Outside my window...

It's an overcast kind of day. Cool and rainy.

Giving thanks... 

Thankful for being "needed." For a lovely slow Sunday morning. For the promise of Jesus in the Eucharist. For happy children belting out Frozen songs. For a sweet niece, that always has upbuilding words to say about everyone. For conversations with my husband, and the hot breakfast he made our family. For a fun gymnastics season, and for Anna's wonderful accomplishment of nailing her back handspring. 

I am thinking about...

Discernment, what it means, steps it requires. How to listen to the Lord speak. Especially in how to discern between things that are not necessarily clear choices. Thinking about how to simplify: home, school, life.

In the Schoolroom...

We've begun to read aloud again. Embarrassingly, we just completed a book which we started....(cough)....last summer. I think reading aloud is so beneficial...but I have been held bound too long by a syllabus. Praying for freedom from this very thing. I want to hear the Lord speak simplicity into our daily lives, and I think this requires a return to basics. Possibly an upheaval of our current way...we'll see.

From the kitchen...

My handsome husband, nourishing us with his Sunday breakfast!! A little planning going on...I realized that MEAL PLANNING needs to take a front seat. It is going IN the planner. Thankful for a stocked fridge, and a plan this week. Rosamary Lemon Pork tenderloin is on the menu for tonight.

I am creating...

I made a sugar scrub this week. I am also creating a "plan."

I don't ever want to forget...

Silly girl...and the mess of living.

The gentle love of a brother.

A girl and her daddy.

Sisters and best friends.

Mary Grace "playing" clue (much to the chagrin of Aidan). How she says "glasses" (gashes) and grabs them off my face and says "Aan-na". Caitlin saying "squishy squishy squeeze."

I am working on...

Working on goals and steps with my husband. Working on making my new awesome planner work for me! I'm loving seeing my Erin Condren planner....the loveliness and fun of it makes me want to use it!

I am reading...

Cutting for Stone Abraham Verghese --Lots of medical speak...but intrigued by the underlying story. I have a few others on my kindle to finish as well, before my library loan ends. I am also reading In Conversation with God which I love. 

I am praying...

For a plethora of intentions. Friends and family that are carrying heavy crosses. Crosses I have never known. For discernment, for quiet in my spirit. For Madeline who'll be making her first Reconciliation this week. For Anna preparing for her Confirmation.  

Praying for healing and the grace to detach in order to SIMPLIFY.

I am struggling...

To know how to simplify without "giving up." To know the difference between letting go of stuff just because I am sick of it, or because God is leading me there.

I am hearing...

All the kids talking and laughing and generally having a great time.

Clicking around...

Absolutely LOVING this series on rest from Sarah at AmongstLovelyThings. I HIGHLY recommend it.

I am also enjoying my husbands stealth return to Facebook to drop me little love letters. I have missed him there.

Around the house...

I am seeing so many things that need to be done. Countertops that should be cleared and de-cluttered, bookshelves that need to be thinned. Drawers that need to be trimmed. Deep breath, God is in this chaos.

One of my favorite things...

Hot coffee in the morning. Next to brushing my teeth, this is pretty much the FIRST thing that needs to happen in the morning.

A few plans for the next week...

Anna will take her Peabody test, Madeline will make her first Reconciliation. I will leave for a retreat and reunion with College Friends. 

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

I am still pondering the verse: 

"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." 

The idea was that we should pray this verse with our husbands to see where the Lord is calling us to take off ill-fitting yokes, to be replaced by the yoke he has made for us. I feel deeply, that this is very important to me, and in fact, the  Lord has gently repeated this to me several times through prayer and reading that this is indeed what he asks of me. 

I tend to focus on my "daily." I tend to look into the everyday things i might be carrying. So, naturally, I turn to our school day, and ask the question there. But I struggle. I stop at this. I can't decide if I in my weariness want to "throw off" yokes that I dislike, out of an "I'm sick of the monontany/weariness" or even an excuse to be lazy. How do I discern? How can I move forward? I mean, I BELIEVE in the curriculum we are doing, I WANT my children to memorize things, I WANT them to know their catechism. The practice of it drives me BATTY. 

For different reasons, my husband and I didn't "get to" this conversation this past weekend. Other than a passing comment or two, it just didnt happen. I am also a little afraid, that he'll say, oh "homeschooling" is the burden you need to lay down. He sees my weariness, my burnout so to speak. And it doesn't help that the Ice Queen will not stay her ferocious finger to relieve us from this everlasting winter! 

So if I move on from there, where else could the Lord be asking me to search for ill-fitting yokes? What else am I carrying that may not be mine to carry? Emotional burdens? Outside activities? 

This all really begs the question: What is the best way to discern? This has always been somewhat of a stumbling block for me. I feel that I  pray and pray, and just continue doing what I think. There are marked moments that I feel a certain peace. A "knowing" that God has pointed me to one thing or another. And most other times, I am sort of stepping forward, with my teeth clenched hoping the ground doesn't give way. 

In a book I read, (a current favorite of mine that I still pick up every few days or weeks) Consoling the Heart of Jesus by Fr. Mike Gaitley, he describes several ways to discern spirits. One of the ways that sticks with me is this: "Don't 'Run!'" In essence, he says a trick of the Devil is to use this sense of urgency...to make us feel, I HAVE TO DO THIS RIGHT NOW! Whether it is a a life change, or an impulse, he attempts to send us off and running without our reason, and without the Lord. Oftentimes, I try and "sleep on" something if I am feeling an overwhelming sense of urgency about a decision, or an "I need to do this RIGHT NOW" feeling. We feel frantic and rushed. We feel, life just will not go on if we don't do whatever this thing is NOW.

Another point Gaitley makes is, when in a time of desolation do NOT change a decision! For a homeschool mom, that MIGHT just be February, or March in the case of the never ending winter. I recently told a mama new to homeschooling this year, seeing the sheer exhaustion in her face, and her eyes telling me she was looking for the nearest school to send her kindergartner, that the first rule in Homeschooling is to NEVER, EVER make a decision about quitting homeschooling in February or March. Now, maybe that is not an absolute, but it rings pretty true! He says that if you have made a decision in a time of peace and consolation, you should not undo the decision when in the midst of trouble. 

That being said, sometime there MAY be a need to simplify, to reconsider if we are suffering from burnout. I feel a sense of peace when thinking of simplification. I felt a sense of excitement when I prayed through the idea of schooling from the state of rest. As if there was a goodness that was about to burst through and flood like a light into my life. I trust that the Lord is walking me through all of this. I know his hand is on me. 

A week in review, and a moment of gratitude

I am thinking back on my week and seeing so many intertwining threads. From different Mass readings that coincide with the material of the Restore workshop, to different blogs that I am currently reading to help with teaching from the state of rest, that are reinforcing things that God has brought to my heart. I feel that when things echo and re-echo thoughts and ideas in my daily life, it is God's way of saying "Pay attention!" And "Since you sort of didn't listen to this or hear this the first time...here it is again in a new way."

The idea of "rest." I sort of just thought, "I dont need ACTUAL sleep and rest. My baby pretty much sleeps through the night(although last night, she was up a few times). God must be talking to me about a more abstract idea of rest, as in surrender, trust, leaving anxiety and fear to him...etc." But as the days went by this week, I found myself dealing with chronic headache/migraine pain, dizzines, and then bouts of nausea, all associated with these headaches. Now, I have been dealing with the chronic headaches for almost a month. A small daily cross, that most CERTAINLY adds to the irritability of our homeschool day  this homeschool mom. I tend to be unable to peacefully deal with the noise, chaos and continuous nagging loving reminders that are necessary to maintain some semblance of order, routine, and academic accomplishment. But, after a small respite from the majority of the symptoms over last weekend, they came back in full force. I don't take it as a coincidence that Tuesday's post over in Restore was about true resting...as in GO, take a nap. I sort of poo-pooed it, and went on with my day. That was at about 6am. Then 9am rolls around, bringing with it a wicked headache, dizziness, nausea, and overall uncomfortableness. I pushed through the rest of the morning. My dear husband, who, amazingly, is NOT traveling, EVEN at the end of the quarter!! (I'd say Alleluia, but it's lent, and we've put that expression away till Easter!) was working from home and offered to run all the kids to their respective activites of music lessons and preschool. So it was, about noon, my daughter made lunch, and I got to have peace and quiet. The next day, again around 10-12 another wicked headache showed up, with the same accompanying discomfort, and my son said, "Mom, I got this(speaking of some tidying I was doing), you go lie down and rest!"
To top it all off, after a somewhat dissappointing doctor's visit yesterday, my sister-in-law calls to see if she can take my kids to our homeschool co-op so I can, you guessed it, REST! So, no, the irony is not lost on me. God wants me to HEED what he is saying to me. Rest, my daughter. And so, as I sit here and reflect on all the things I have read and prayed about this week, I am trying to take care of myself, to rest. And that being said, my little love is down for a nap, my other 4 are not here, and I am going to rest.

Gratitude

There is a challenge to begin a gratitude journal, and take time at the end of each day and journal, with words or pictures, at least five things for which I am grateful.

My five from yesterday were these:

1)

and http://www.amongstlovelythings.com/

These two resources have breathed a life into my otherwise overwhelming life. I feel the tools to begin to dig deeper into my life and the burnout that I have been experiencing have been given to me.

2) For my son, who upon seeing my discomfort, offered to sweep and load the dishwasher, and help keep an eye on things so I could rest and try to alleviate my migraine. 

3)For a peace-filled homeschooling day. A day after which I can sleep well knowing I am not ashamed. For being able to simplify my day.

4) For Spaghetti and Meatballs. It was a comfort food kind of night, and not something I often allow myself...pasta that is.

5) Iced Jasmine Green Tea. I am not sure what it says about me that two of my gratitude items are food and drink. But they both brought a breath of comfort this day. 

Path to Restoration

I have begun a journey this Lent. Before embarking, I was unsure what the journey held. I still do not have the whole picture. I only knew, that I was stepping out in faith, and that I was going to take it on with both hands.
In the first two days of reflections and materials, as well as the resources to which I am pointed, namely here, I feel the Lord is sprouting a seed of hope. Something, I am not sure just what yet, is blooming. I feel it. I see it when I close my eyes. I feel a sweet breath being blown into my heart. It has to do with freedom. With homeschooling, yes, but not entirely. It makes me want to sing an old song that brings me back to my Franciscan Summer Conference days with jim Cowan leading worship:

There's a wind a-blowing, 

All across the land.

Mercy winds from Heaven,

Blowing once again.

Don't know where it comes from,

Don't know where it goes,

but let it blow over me.

O Sweet Wind, Come and blow over me!

I can't say I "feel" prayer often. In fact, dryness has been a companion for much of my life...admittedly, however, I probably fueled that so-called dryness with complacency. Upon further reflection, the times in which I am fervently seeking God, especially through a thorough commitment to waking up early to carve out quiet time with the Lord, I have known Him to be speaking to me. More importantly, I have KNOWN him. His presence. 

I am a reader. I am a writer. I guess the written word in all forms speaks to me, is a part of me. Not in the sense that I will ever publish books. When i commit to it--the reading, the writing, the journaling-- i feel a connection with God. That sounds weird, and I only mean that in a strange sense. I think it helps me to break down barriers I often stand behind. 

I'll end with a quote or two that have been integral to me in the past few days:

"The great thing, if one can, is to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions of one's 'own' or "real" life. The truth is of course that what one calls the interruptions are precisely one's real life- the life God is sending one day by day; what one calls ones' 'real life' is a phantom of one's own imagination." 

-C.S. Lewis

 "This is the first lesson for the Christian wife and mother today: to let go of what may once have been- and under other circumstances might now be- a recollected self, and take on, with both hands, the plan of God. The whole business of serving God becomes simply a matter of adjusting yourself to the pressures of existing conditions."

-Hubert Van Zeller

I'd love to point anyone interested to a series on homeschooling(although every bit as apropos for mothering as well) from the state of rest. It is a poignant look at how we approach our daily life. I needed this right now. It is so distinctly what I am dealing with. It is written about on Sarah's blog: Amongst Lovely Things.