Tides of Change

It seems to be about this time every year, at the beach, when I get a feeling I want to write something on my blog. The reality is, it is this time, when most of my other duties pass away for a blessed 2 weeks, that I have time to sit and think. It was this time last year that I felt the Lord calling me to trust to him one more year of homeschooling. It was a challenging year. A year where I saw many successes and much growth in both my children and myself. There were academic accomplishments, personal achievements, as well as growing pains. I am happy we gave it another year. I love having my children around me--even though I need a break sometimes. There are a lot of things I love about homeschooling. There are things I don't love as well. That comes with the territory of being human, I think. There are always a set of challenges to overcome, whatever state of life you may be in.

Last summer, and the deep calling I felt, was only the beginning. I have been on a journey of learning to trust and surrender, and submit. Over the last year, I felt the Lord moving my heart to make some changes, some seemingly subtle changes, other changes, fairly big. It's pretty hard to explain a year long beckoning, but the short of it is this. I felt the Lord calling me to a deeper stage of trust. Trust in Him. Trusting in my husband, whom God put in my life. Being submissive in a very Christian way, to my husband, who loves me and my children and is made to LEAD us. God speaks to me so gently, but ever so persistently. I hear him in the Mass readings. I hear him through my devotional readings, I hear him in my heart through prayer. I hear his voice through conversations with friends. While my heart was being led to this point, I felt the tug of desire to "let it all go." Fear was holding me back. Fear of changes, fear of the unknown, fear that what I had done all these years would not add up. At the same time, the Spirit was moving in my husband as well. My husband is a very successful sales leader, and he leads many people to much success at work. During a conversation we were having about homeschooling and just about the peace in our household, he humbly asked me to trust him, as his sales people trust him, to hand this decision (about our homeschooling, as well as some other decisions)over to him. It was as if a weight, almost imperceptible up to this point, lifted from my shoulders. I knew God had been preparing me for this moment for quite some time. My husband said, he didn't know what his decision would be, but that I could trust him. The freedom that small "yes" brought was exhilarating.  Over the course of the next few months, I was to be tested by my own emotions and the reality of what that "yes" really meant.

I am what you might call a control freak. I like to know what is going on. I am a planner. To let go of the control was, I think, one of the main things God requesting.  As the conversation and pendulum of decision swung back and forth between homeschooling and sending the kids to school, my heart and life felt like it was in the balance. (Sometimes on the brink if you get my meaning!) There was so much to consider. Which children do we send? All or a few? Where do we send them, if that is the choice?(the schools we like were 30 minutes to 1hour away!) What would life be like trying to balance the extracurriculars after school time? Some of our children did not want to even CONSIDER going to school, while others were ecstatic over the possibility. We visited the school we had chosen, admitting to ourselves that it was not perfect and that there would be things that we would not necessarily like. But I came to the conclusion that God is the protector of my children and their souls WHEREVER they are educated. And it was essentially my pride that told me otherwise. I had put God into a box, and while the homeschooling scenario(one which we may return to at some point) is a beautiful choice, it is not the only one God blesses. We decided, it was time to enroll the kids. We at first enrolled the four oldest, leaving me only with MG, but after some further prayer snd discussion, we decided to keep Cait home again for the time being. I am at peace. Words of wisdom that trickled down to me from a fellow homeschooling mom(which came from a experienced homeschooling consultant) "Homeschooling is a wonderful thing, but one should never homeschool at ALL COSTS." These words came to me after we had announced to my homeschooling community that our older 3 children would be attending school in the Fall. It was certainly a balm to my raw soul, as it is hard to take on change of this magnitude.

Fast Forward three months, and here we are, squeezing the last bit of summer from the year. In fact the kids' first day of school is NEXT WEDNESDAY! Due to a last minute scheduling change by the school district, our vacation overlaps! They will depart for their first day(albeit SUPER early) from the beach. We have nerves, excitement, and some anxieties, but mostly I am eager for this new chapter in life(I hate that cliche but it fits). Honestly, I don't know how I am going to handle the driving (2 hours a day), the lunch making, the balancing of sports and activities, piano, dinner, homework. But I trust that it will fall into place, and become the new normal. It will be ok. My kids will be ok. And God's plan is always better than our own.

I got to thinking about God's plan, and his will. I thought about how hard it was for me to give up control to my husband, but once I did, the peace washed over me in waves. I know that is what God wants from me. Not my will, Lord, but yours be done. Come Spirit, draw me into the ocean of your peace.