Braving New Waters

There are so many new possibilities at the beginning of something. All your hopes and dreams and ideals loom at the horizon and you feel a prick of excitement. You have a voice in the back of your head that reminds you that obstacles and problems that are sure to arise, but the promise of the good things pushes you forward. I am standing at the edge, staring into an ocean of possibilities. I am walking away from the known. It is terrifying and exhilarating all at the same time.

The above may seem an exaggeration once I expound. But to me, it is not. I am a rule-follower by nature. I like to have checklists and books and curriculum plans to tell me I am doing it right, that everything is going to be okay. Recently, however, I have felt more and more "bound" by the lists, enslaved by the curriculum. My children have not fit neatly inside the box like they "should." My children, much to my chagrin, are not "readers." Meaning, they do not devour book after book after book. (like their mother) This is a bit hard when much of the aforementioned curriculum is a LOT of reading. So, instead of continuing to try and stuff my children into a box in which they do not fit, I am choosing to meet my children where they are, trying to teach educate the child, and form a strong foundation for life long learning. Isn't that the goal of education? Not to make them able to spit out facts, but to help them be life learners?

Of course I have questions, concerns, and doubts. I am praying non-stop for guidance, trying to make the best decisions I can for my family. As a homeschool mom, I always find myself seeking the advice of very seasoned homeschool moms; moms who've graduated several children and seen them off to college, married, with children of their own. This is always helpful and there is always a lot of talking me down off the side of the building. But I find there is never the "perfect" piece of advice. There is never that person who knows EXACTLY what I should do--and that is because no 2 people walk the same exact paths. No 2 people wear the same proverbial shoes. And further, no two homeschools will look alike. The old saying, "comparison is the thief of joy"(sorry, wish i could give that a credit), holds very true, and is a great reminder when I am feeling overwhelmed. It is SO easy to think the grass is greener everywhere you turn. I know that that is not the case. As my sister in law always reminds me, when I am particularly freaking out, "if you were to send your kids to school, you would just be trading one set of problems for another." I think this holds true for so many things.

As a homeschooling mom, it is easy to overthink EVERYTHING! To compare yourselves to your friends who OBVIOUSLY have everything perfect and are raising little Merit Scholars and will be sending their children to the best colleges on full ride scholarships, while you just grasp and hope your child can read and write his/her name properly.  Haha...but no, seriously. Sometimes it feels like that. And every time you let a "well-meaning" neighbor/friend/family member, have their say or question what you are doing, it is tough not to second guess yourself. But alas, I have forged through those murky waters for far too long. (I am feeling a little Let It Go coming on...now i am singing...sorry, i digress) I want to slough off that feeling of inadequacy and shout, "I KNOW MY CHILDREN!! I KNOW WHAT THEY NEED--even if I can only pinpoint that they are not getting it--yet!! And even if their education doesn't look like your child's, rest assured I have done more research, more agonizing, more praying and more scrutiny about what he/she needs to succeed and be educated than what seems humanly possible!!" It feels oddly freeing, and somewhat  alottawhat terrifying, to go against the flow. That's okay though. I still have question marks to fill in. I have been poring over my schedule, and something doesn't feel quite right yet. I am praying through that. I trust that I can get it figured out in the next few weeks. And, heck, if we start a little shaky, I am hoping that we'll just get into our groove, and that things will smooth out on the way!

This is WHO it is all about.

I think, for my own frame of reference, I will write a little planning post soon. To outline how I am changing things up. I am a person who likes to see things in writing. It helps it to sink in. That is why I think I love reading other people's planning posts too. I am going a bit more classical in approach this year. Even though MODG is considered a classical curriculum, it is somewhat difficult for me to make that work for all my children all at once going in so many different directions. So hopefully this year, will bring us all together a little bit more. In the meantime, I am following some great posts over at Schole Sisters and  I have been following Sarah at Amongst Lovely Things for awhile and it was her series on Teaching From the State of Rest that really inspired me to take a hard look at what wasn't working for us.

Education doesn't have to be about books and facts and test scores. In fact, I would argue that it SHOULDN't be about those things. I want my children to be virtuous, diligent, hard-working, moral individuals, who have learned to see the Truth, Beauty and Goodness in our world. Who can be a person who not only seeks those things, but is able to be a beacon for those things in this world. In fact, I want to be that type of person too.

Singing a song of Gratitude.

Well, I'm not currently singing...actually, now I am. Okay. Anyway, I just wanted to post a few of the many things for which I am grateful.

1. The weather today was such a mood booster!! It was GORGEOUS out. Utterly and absolutely. Which leads me to another thing...

2. I got to go on an hour long drive(well 2 hours if you count the drive home again) BY MYSELF...along the most beautiful route! I mean, i was literally moved to tears by the beauty. Beautiful farmland, rolling hills, babbling brooks, and creeks, buds just peeking and opening up on some of the flowering trees. Daffodils smiling. (This is the part where my husband is laughing at me and shaking his head and saying maybe I am a little emotional today). But I disagree...God MADE me this way. Nature speaks directly to my soul. It makes me SO SO SO happy. Except when it is just bitter cold and snow is up to my eyeballs...and then I want to cry for reasons other than pure joy. But I digress. Nature...sigh. Yes. I love it.

This girl is too much. 

3. Did I mention I was by myself above? Yes...several GLORIOUS quiet hours by myself, singing praise and worship music, taking in the Glory of God's beauty. yes. I am still thankful here for that again in #3.

4. Sweet melodious laughter of my 20 month old(that is 20 months as of TODAY I might add). It poured happiness and laughter into my heart hearing her laugh.

5. Reading on the couch with my 5 year old. She is SO eager to learn. I am TRYING to soak it up, because, somehow, their eagerness is not so eager as they get older. I just loved it.

This was a fun one Maddie did a few days back

6. I sort of went off grid today...as in, I abandoned our normal routine this morning since I had an appointment later, and we did some really fun art. Just "line art" but I sat with the kids and we drew and colored together...and everyone enjoyed it a lot!

Maddie's creation for today

Giving over...not Giving up!

This post could also be called: Seeing the Forest through the Trees

Unfortunately, I wish this was a more "tutorial" and less "HELP ME LORD" type post...but alas...I guess I just have to get it on paper screen and try to sort this all out. 

I've been on a journey of Restoration from burnout. As mentioned in the last few posts. It has been a bit of retreat, a bit workshop, and a lot of spiritual legwork. It is funny, my sister in law "themed" her lent this year as a year she was going to "Dig Deeper." And while I thought it was a really great jumping off point, I didn't really give it a lot of deep(yeah, i went there) thought. I sort of began Lent with the intention of drawing close to the Lord, and through prayer and sacrifice, I hoped it would be fruitful. So this idea of "dig deeper" was her thing, in my estimation. However, God had much different plans. In fact, he decided that "digging deep" was going to be JUST what he had in store for me. 

In all areas of my life, the topsoil has been turned over. 

• Homeschooling(I want to SIMPLIFY) And THIS is where my title comes in! HOW do I properly simplify?? It is a hard time for me to "change" things up, because, quite frankly, I am tired...tired of the repetition, tired of the "get er done" attitude, and if I am really honest...I feel lazy in some areas. Like I am weary of the "fight" of certain things. But is that weariness going to lead me to "give up?" I don't want to give up a bunch of stuff, overhaul the curriculum, let the check list go, all under the guise of simplification. It could so easily become, ME, and not GOD. That is why I truly NEED to figure this out. I want to SURRENDER, to give OVER what I am trying to control, while not feeling like I am "throwing all caution to the wind!" In other words, surrender responsibly. Oh boy...I am NOT at all sure that that is what I am going for....So lets back up, I want to surrender. PERIOD. Yes, much better. But the steps to this are getting me, and therein lies the problem. I will wait upon the Lord on this...and hope he shows me. 

• curriculum(Are these the right choices...is there PEACE here?) This goes back to simplifying, trusting, knowing that it is God who I am trying to please.

• attachments(both worldly, sentimentally, and spiritually--(which begs detachment---which, in turn begs the question of healing in that area)) I want a well ordered and simple home environment.

• ill-fitting yokes, what are they? which ones are they? how to figure that out?...are they of God? are they not mine to carry? Again, praying this through. 

• What are the "big" goals in my life...what SHOULD they be...what are the steps God is asking me to make TOWARD those goals. 

WOAH!! It is just so all at once. It feels like I am a murky muddy mess. Sort of like my garden after what feels like 6 straight months of winter and deep snow(and a leftover tomato cage or 3 sticking out of the ground--just keeping it real). I just want to make SENSE of it all. I am committed to this path to restoration, so I guess, somewhere in the tilling of my heart, God is at work. He is preparing the soil, fertilizing it, watering it just so, so that in His time, beauty will bloom. It is not a coincidence that at the beginning of this journey, a scripture brought forward to me was: 

Amen, amen, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains just a grain of wheat;^r but if it dies, it produces much fruit. 

--John 12:24

I feel that I am walking through this journey, seemingly full of unknowns, and dark corners I can't quite get a good look at, but as I walk, it is as if I am rising from the ashes. There is beauty just around the corner. In fact, there is beauty in this moment, right before the shoot pushes through. In other words, there is joy in the journey. 

Today...

Outside my window...

It's an overcast kind of day. Cool and rainy.

Giving thanks... 

Thankful for being "needed." For a lovely slow Sunday morning. For the promise of Jesus in the Eucharist. For happy children belting out Frozen songs. For a sweet niece, that always has upbuilding words to say about everyone. For conversations with my husband, and the hot breakfast he made our family. For a fun gymnastics season, and for Anna's wonderful accomplishment of nailing her back handspring. 

I am thinking about...

Discernment, what it means, steps it requires. How to listen to the Lord speak. Especially in how to discern between things that are not necessarily clear choices. Thinking about how to simplify: home, school, life.

In the Schoolroom...

We've begun to read aloud again. Embarrassingly, we just completed a book which we started....(cough)....last summer. I think reading aloud is so beneficial...but I have been held bound too long by a syllabus. Praying for freedom from this very thing. I want to hear the Lord speak simplicity into our daily lives, and I think this requires a return to basics. Possibly an upheaval of our current way...we'll see.

From the kitchen...

My handsome husband, nourishing us with his Sunday breakfast!! A little planning going on...I realized that MEAL PLANNING needs to take a front seat. It is going IN the planner. Thankful for a stocked fridge, and a plan this week. Rosamary Lemon Pork tenderloin is on the menu for tonight.

I am creating...

I made a sugar scrub this week. I am also creating a "plan."

I don't ever want to forget...

Silly girl...and the mess of living.

The gentle love of a brother.

A girl and her daddy.

Sisters and best friends.

Mary Grace "playing" clue (much to the chagrin of Aidan). How she says "glasses" (gashes) and grabs them off my face and says "Aan-na". Caitlin saying "squishy squishy squeeze."

I am working on...

Working on goals and steps with my husband. Working on making my new awesome planner work for me! I'm loving seeing my Erin Condren planner....the loveliness and fun of it makes me want to use it!

I am reading...

Cutting for Stone Abraham Verghese --Lots of medical speak...but intrigued by the underlying story. I have a few others on my kindle to finish as well, before my library loan ends. I am also reading In Conversation with God which I love. 

I am praying...

For a plethora of intentions. Friends and family that are carrying heavy crosses. Crosses I have never known. For discernment, for quiet in my spirit. For Madeline who'll be making her first Reconciliation this week. For Anna preparing for her Confirmation.  

Praying for healing and the grace to detach in order to SIMPLIFY.

I am struggling...

To know how to simplify without "giving up." To know the difference between letting go of stuff just because I am sick of it, or because God is leading me there.

I am hearing...

All the kids talking and laughing and generally having a great time.

Clicking around...

Absolutely LOVING this series on rest from Sarah at AmongstLovelyThings. I HIGHLY recommend it.

I am also enjoying my husbands stealth return to Facebook to drop me little love letters. I have missed him there.

Around the house...

I am seeing so many things that need to be done. Countertops that should be cleared and de-cluttered, bookshelves that need to be thinned. Drawers that need to be trimmed. Deep breath, God is in this chaos.

One of my favorite things...

Hot coffee in the morning. Next to brushing my teeth, this is pretty much the FIRST thing that needs to happen in the morning.

A few plans for the next week...

Anna will take her Peabody test, Madeline will make her first Reconciliation. I will leave for a retreat and reunion with College Friends. 

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

I am still pondering the verse: 

"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." 

The idea was that we should pray this verse with our husbands to see where the Lord is calling us to take off ill-fitting yokes, to be replaced by the yoke he has made for us. I feel deeply, that this is very important to me, and in fact, the  Lord has gently repeated this to me several times through prayer and reading that this is indeed what he asks of me. 

I tend to focus on my "daily." I tend to look into the everyday things i might be carrying. So, naturally, I turn to our school day, and ask the question there. But I struggle. I stop at this. I can't decide if I in my weariness want to "throw off" yokes that I dislike, out of an "I'm sick of the monontany/weariness" or even an excuse to be lazy. How do I discern? How can I move forward? I mean, I BELIEVE in the curriculum we are doing, I WANT my children to memorize things, I WANT them to know their catechism. The practice of it drives me BATTY. 

For different reasons, my husband and I didn't "get to" this conversation this past weekend. Other than a passing comment or two, it just didnt happen. I am also a little afraid, that he'll say, oh "homeschooling" is the burden you need to lay down. He sees my weariness, my burnout so to speak. And it doesn't help that the Ice Queen will not stay her ferocious finger to relieve us from this everlasting winter! 

So if I move on from there, where else could the Lord be asking me to search for ill-fitting yokes? What else am I carrying that may not be mine to carry? Emotional burdens? Outside activities? 

This all really begs the question: What is the best way to discern? This has always been somewhat of a stumbling block for me. I feel that I  pray and pray, and just continue doing what I think. There are marked moments that I feel a certain peace. A "knowing" that God has pointed me to one thing or another. And most other times, I am sort of stepping forward, with my teeth clenched hoping the ground doesn't give way. 

In a book I read, (a current favorite of mine that I still pick up every few days or weeks) Consoling the Heart of Jesus by Fr. Mike Gaitley, he describes several ways to discern spirits. One of the ways that sticks with me is this: "Don't 'Run!'" In essence, he says a trick of the Devil is to use this sense of urgency...to make us feel, I HAVE TO DO THIS RIGHT NOW! Whether it is a a life change, or an impulse, he attempts to send us off and running without our reason, and without the Lord. Oftentimes, I try and "sleep on" something if I am feeling an overwhelming sense of urgency about a decision, or an "I need to do this RIGHT NOW" feeling. We feel frantic and rushed. We feel, life just will not go on if we don't do whatever this thing is NOW.

Another point Gaitley makes is, when in a time of desolation do NOT change a decision! For a homeschool mom, that MIGHT just be February, or March in the case of the never ending winter. I recently told a mama new to homeschooling this year, seeing the sheer exhaustion in her face, and her eyes telling me she was looking for the nearest school to send her kindergartner, that the first rule in Homeschooling is to NEVER, EVER make a decision about quitting homeschooling in February or March. Now, maybe that is not an absolute, but it rings pretty true! He says that if you have made a decision in a time of peace and consolation, you should not undo the decision when in the midst of trouble. 

That being said, sometime there MAY be a need to simplify, to reconsider if we are suffering from burnout. I feel a sense of peace when thinking of simplification. I felt a sense of excitement when I prayed through the idea of schooling from the state of rest. As if there was a goodness that was about to burst through and flood like a light into my life. I trust that the Lord is walking me through all of this. I know his hand is on me. 

A week in review, and a moment of gratitude

I am thinking back on my week and seeing so many intertwining threads. From different Mass readings that coincide with the material of the Restore workshop, to different blogs that I am currently reading to help with teaching from the state of rest, that are reinforcing things that God has brought to my heart. I feel that when things echo and re-echo thoughts and ideas in my daily life, it is God's way of saying "Pay attention!" And "Since you sort of didn't listen to this or hear this the first time...here it is again in a new way."

The idea of "rest." I sort of just thought, "I dont need ACTUAL sleep and rest. My baby pretty much sleeps through the night(although last night, she was up a few times). God must be talking to me about a more abstract idea of rest, as in surrender, trust, leaving anxiety and fear to him...etc." But as the days went by this week, I found myself dealing with chronic headache/migraine pain, dizzines, and then bouts of nausea, all associated with these headaches. Now, I have been dealing with the chronic headaches for almost a month. A small daily cross, that most CERTAINLY adds to the irritability of our homeschool day  this homeschool mom. I tend to be unable to peacefully deal with the noise, chaos and continuous nagging loving reminders that are necessary to maintain some semblance of order, routine, and academic accomplishment. But, after a small respite from the majority of the symptoms over last weekend, they came back in full force. I don't take it as a coincidence that Tuesday's post over in Restore was about true resting...as in GO, take a nap. I sort of poo-pooed it, and went on with my day. That was at about 6am. Then 9am rolls around, bringing with it a wicked headache, dizziness, nausea, and overall uncomfortableness. I pushed through the rest of the morning. My dear husband, who, amazingly, is NOT traveling, EVEN at the end of the quarter!! (I'd say Alleluia, but it's lent, and we've put that expression away till Easter!) was working from home and offered to run all the kids to their respective activites of music lessons and preschool. So it was, about noon, my daughter made lunch, and I got to have peace and quiet. The next day, again around 10-12 another wicked headache showed up, with the same accompanying discomfort, and my son said, "Mom, I got this(speaking of some tidying I was doing), you go lie down and rest!"
To top it all off, after a somewhat dissappointing doctor's visit yesterday, my sister-in-law calls to see if she can take my kids to our homeschool co-op so I can, you guessed it, REST! So, no, the irony is not lost on me. God wants me to HEED what he is saying to me. Rest, my daughter. And so, as I sit here and reflect on all the things I have read and prayed about this week, I am trying to take care of myself, to rest. And that being said, my little love is down for a nap, my other 4 are not here, and I am going to rest.

Gratitude

There is a challenge to begin a gratitude journal, and take time at the end of each day and journal, with words or pictures, at least five things for which I am grateful.

My five from yesterday were these:

1)

and http://www.amongstlovelythings.com/

These two resources have breathed a life into my otherwise overwhelming life. I feel the tools to begin to dig deeper into my life and the burnout that I have been experiencing have been given to me.

2) For my son, who upon seeing my discomfort, offered to sweep and load the dishwasher, and help keep an eye on things so I could rest and try to alleviate my migraine. 

3)For a peace-filled homeschooling day. A day after which I can sleep well knowing I am not ashamed. For being able to simplify my day.

4) For Spaghetti and Meatballs. It was a comfort food kind of night, and not something I often allow myself...pasta that is.

5) Iced Jasmine Green Tea. I am not sure what it says about me that two of my gratitude items are food and drink. But they both brought a breath of comfort this day.