Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

I am still pondering the verse: 

"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." 

The idea was that we should pray this verse with our husbands to see where the Lord is calling us to take off ill-fitting yokes, to be replaced by the yoke he has made for us. I feel deeply, that this is very important to me, and in fact, the  Lord has gently repeated this to me several times through prayer and reading that this is indeed what he asks of me. 

I tend to focus on my "daily." I tend to look into the everyday things i might be carrying. So, naturally, I turn to our school day, and ask the question there. But I struggle. I stop at this. I can't decide if I in my weariness want to "throw off" yokes that I dislike, out of an "I'm sick of the monontany/weariness" or even an excuse to be lazy. How do I discern? How can I move forward? I mean, I BELIEVE in the curriculum we are doing, I WANT my children to memorize things, I WANT them to know their catechism. The practice of it drives me BATTY. 

For different reasons, my husband and I didn't "get to" this conversation this past weekend. Other than a passing comment or two, it just didnt happen. I am also a little afraid, that he'll say, oh "homeschooling" is the burden you need to lay down. He sees my weariness, my burnout so to speak. And it doesn't help that the Ice Queen will not stay her ferocious finger to relieve us from this everlasting winter! 

So if I move on from there, where else could the Lord be asking me to search for ill-fitting yokes? What else am I carrying that may not be mine to carry? Emotional burdens? Outside activities? 

This all really begs the question: What is the best way to discern? This has always been somewhat of a stumbling block for me. I feel that I  pray and pray, and just continue doing what I think. There are marked moments that I feel a certain peace. A "knowing" that God has pointed me to one thing or another. And most other times, I am sort of stepping forward, with my teeth clenched hoping the ground doesn't give way. 

In a book I read, (a current favorite of mine that I still pick up every few days or weeks) Consoling the Heart of Jesus by Fr. Mike Gaitley, he describes several ways to discern spirits. One of the ways that sticks with me is this: "Don't 'Run!'" In essence, he says a trick of the Devil is to use this sense of urgency...to make us feel, I HAVE TO DO THIS RIGHT NOW! Whether it is a a life change, or an impulse, he attempts to send us off and running without our reason, and without the Lord. Oftentimes, I try and "sleep on" something if I am feeling an overwhelming sense of urgency about a decision, or an "I need to do this RIGHT NOW" feeling. We feel frantic and rushed. We feel, life just will not go on if we don't do whatever this thing is NOW.

Another point Gaitley makes is, when in a time of desolation do NOT change a decision! For a homeschool mom, that MIGHT just be February, or March in the case of the never ending winter. I recently told a mama new to homeschooling this year, seeing the sheer exhaustion in her face, and her eyes telling me she was looking for the nearest school to send her kindergartner, that the first rule in Homeschooling is to NEVER, EVER make a decision about quitting homeschooling in February or March. Now, maybe that is not an absolute, but it rings pretty true! He says that if you have made a decision in a time of peace and consolation, you should not undo the decision when in the midst of trouble. 

That being said, sometime there MAY be a need to simplify, to reconsider if we are suffering from burnout. I feel a sense of peace when thinking of simplification. I felt a sense of excitement when I prayed through the idea of schooling from the state of rest. As if there was a goodness that was about to burst through and flood like a light into my life. I trust that the Lord is walking me through all of this. I know his hand is on me. 

A week in review, and a moment of gratitude

I am thinking back on my week and seeing so many intertwining threads. From different Mass readings that coincide with the material of the Restore workshop, to different blogs that I am currently reading to help with teaching from the state of rest, that are reinforcing things that God has brought to my heart. I feel that when things echo and re-echo thoughts and ideas in my daily life, it is God's way of saying "Pay attention!" And "Since you sort of didn't listen to this or hear this the first time...here it is again in a new way."

The idea of "rest." I sort of just thought, "I dont need ACTUAL sleep and rest. My baby pretty much sleeps through the night(although last night, she was up a few times). God must be talking to me about a more abstract idea of rest, as in surrender, trust, leaving anxiety and fear to him...etc." But as the days went by this week, I found myself dealing with chronic headache/migraine pain, dizzines, and then bouts of nausea, all associated with these headaches. Now, I have been dealing with the chronic headaches for almost a month. A small daily cross, that most CERTAINLY adds to the irritability of our homeschool day  this homeschool mom. I tend to be unable to peacefully deal with the noise, chaos and continuous nagging loving reminders that are necessary to maintain some semblance of order, routine, and academic accomplishment. But, after a small respite from the majority of the symptoms over last weekend, they came back in full force. I don't take it as a coincidence that Tuesday's post over in Restore was about true resting...as in GO, take a nap. I sort of poo-pooed it, and went on with my day. That was at about 6am. Then 9am rolls around, bringing with it a wicked headache, dizziness, nausea, and overall uncomfortableness. I pushed through the rest of the morning. My dear husband, who, amazingly, is NOT traveling, EVEN at the end of the quarter!! (I'd say Alleluia, but it's lent, and we've put that expression away till Easter!) was working from home and offered to run all the kids to their respective activites of music lessons and preschool. So it was, about noon, my daughter made lunch, and I got to have peace and quiet. The next day, again around 10-12 another wicked headache showed up, with the same accompanying discomfort, and my son said, "Mom, I got this(speaking of some tidying I was doing), you go lie down and rest!"
To top it all off, after a somewhat dissappointing doctor's visit yesterday, my sister-in-law calls to see if she can take my kids to our homeschool co-op so I can, you guessed it, REST! So, no, the irony is not lost on me. God wants me to HEED what he is saying to me. Rest, my daughter. And so, as I sit here and reflect on all the things I have read and prayed about this week, I am trying to take care of myself, to rest. And that being said, my little love is down for a nap, my other 4 are not here, and I am going to rest.

Gratitude

There is a challenge to begin a gratitude journal, and take time at the end of each day and journal, with words or pictures, at least five things for which I am grateful.

My five from yesterday were these:

1)

and http://www.amongstlovelythings.com/

These two resources have breathed a life into my otherwise overwhelming life. I feel the tools to begin to dig deeper into my life and the burnout that I have been experiencing have been given to me.

2) For my son, who upon seeing my discomfort, offered to sweep and load the dishwasher, and help keep an eye on things so I could rest and try to alleviate my migraine. 

3)For a peace-filled homeschooling day. A day after which I can sleep well knowing I am not ashamed. For being able to simplify my day.

4) For Spaghetti and Meatballs. It was a comfort food kind of night, and not something I often allow myself...pasta that is.

5) Iced Jasmine Green Tea. I am not sure what it says about me that two of my gratitude items are food and drink. But they both brought a breath of comfort this day. 

Path to Restoration

I have begun a journey this Lent. Before embarking, I was unsure what the journey held. I still do not have the whole picture. I only knew, that I was stepping out in faith, and that I was going to take it on with both hands.
In the first two days of reflections and materials, as well as the resources to which I am pointed, namely here, I feel the Lord is sprouting a seed of hope. Something, I am not sure just what yet, is blooming. I feel it. I see it when I close my eyes. I feel a sweet breath being blown into my heart. It has to do with freedom. With homeschooling, yes, but not entirely. It makes me want to sing an old song that brings me back to my Franciscan Summer Conference days with jim Cowan leading worship:

There's a wind a-blowing, 

All across the land.

Mercy winds from Heaven,

Blowing once again.

Don't know where it comes from,

Don't know where it goes,

but let it blow over me.

O Sweet Wind, Come and blow over me!

I can't say I "feel" prayer often. In fact, dryness has been a companion for much of my life...admittedly, however, I probably fueled that so-called dryness with complacency. Upon further reflection, the times in which I am fervently seeking God, especially through a thorough commitment to waking up early to carve out quiet time with the Lord, I have known Him to be speaking to me. More importantly, I have KNOWN him. His presence. 

I am a reader. I am a writer. I guess the written word in all forms speaks to me, is a part of me. Not in the sense that I will ever publish books. When i commit to it--the reading, the writing, the journaling-- i feel a connection with God. That sounds weird, and I only mean that in a strange sense. I think it helps me to break down barriers I often stand behind. 

I'll end with a quote or two that have been integral to me in the past few days:

"The great thing, if one can, is to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions of one's 'own' or "real" life. The truth is of course that what one calls the interruptions are precisely one's real life- the life God is sending one day by day; what one calls ones' 'real life' is a phantom of one's own imagination." 

-C.S. Lewis

 "This is the first lesson for the Christian wife and mother today: to let go of what may once have been- and under other circumstances might now be- a recollected self, and take on, with both hands, the plan of God. The whole business of serving God becomes simply a matter of adjusting yourself to the pressures of existing conditions."

-Hubert Van Zeller

I'd love to point anyone interested to a series on homeschooling(although every bit as apropos for mothering as well) from the state of rest. It is a poignant look at how we approach our daily life. I needed this right now. It is so distinctly what I am dealing with. It is written about on Sarah's blog: Amongst Lovely Things. 

Surrender and Humility.

So this week is going a lot better than last week. Last week, although not posted about here, was a real test of faith for me. I wanted to cry  cried my eyes out. I was DONE. I had had it. I couldn't take one more day, one more second! of homeschooling. The burden had just gotten too heavy. I desperately wanted to quit. I TRIED to find other options. I cried some more. I blubbered to my husband. I lamented to my friends.  I begged God for another option. I didn't want to have to shoulder the responsibility any more. That was it! It was TOO much. As I prayed, and cried(did I mention that?), I also sought the Lord. I asked my mother in law to pray for me and with me. I knew so many people who "know" what I was feeling were praying for me. What I finally realized was pointed out to me is this: I needed to surrender. It's always the big "hardships" in my life where I surrender. This situation is too, PRESENT. Too EVERYDAY. I guess it is the thing that I just think "Time to make the donuts"....and I do it. Poorly I must say. But it was "mine." What I heard (through the mouth of my MIL in conjunction with a real heart to heart with myself) the Lord saying, was this: "You must put even this into the Ocean of my Mercy. You can't do this on your own. Why are you clinging so tightly, yet so miserably to this?" It was this I needed to hear.

My Jesus says: ""Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest."

Matthew 11:28

I am so very weary, Lord. How long O Lord, will my heart be hard? How long O Lord will I walk dragging my cross? Help me to cast my burdens at your feet. This is my daily prayer.

I have changed my perspective, and have been trying to surrender every morning and minute by minute! Additionally, I have successfully put away distractions until a healthy time. It has made the world of difference. (and my floor is mopped which is just an added bonus). Thank you for any prayers. I have indeed needed them. This year has been more challenging for me then I ever thought possible...and quite frankly, in comparison to some, my life seems like a breeze. I am keenly aware of that, which humbles me all the more. That is a fact, that if I let it, makes me feel very small. If I let it, I start to feel my efforts are seen as "not enough," I have often felt that "WHO I AM" falls short.  I am not enough. I have had a sense these past few months, that God is continually trying to strip me of pride, and detach me from desiring the approval of others. I sometimes feel that God has stripped me of a sense of "achievement" or even a sense of "pride" over some accomplishment, or even a sense of pride in one of my children, by having someone make a cutting remark about me, or "upping" an accomplishment.  He is using these opportunities like a refiner's fire. I think that has been a "theme" of this year. I feel deeply, that the scorn or "pokes" or quiet rebukes I have felt, is not a reflection of that particular person, but a gift of the Lord. A gift that is painful, humiliating, and sometimes saddening, but spiritually, is helping me to cling more to the Lord. I have felt grace in those moments, or sometimes in the moments following. I think He has enlightened me to "see" this refining.  He constantly tries perfecting me. It is in recognizing my weaknesses, or embracing difficult moments, that I have the opportunity to surrender. It becomes an opportunity to grow. To try again next time. Or for that chance of bearing something silently. To bow my head to the Lord, and say, "I know, I am not perfect yet." Or "You know my depths, Lord, and you know that my heart is in the right place, and if there is a correction needed, let me take it from you."
Lord, I am a tiny ship on your Ocean of Mercy. The storms come, the waves crash, but it is all Mercy. Let me, Lord, fall into that Ocean of Mercy with abandon. I will not be afraid!

Seriously...

 So, I am pretty sure there is nothing cuter than this. No really. Can you imagine a cuter thing? I took little Lady with me to the grocery store like this today. Oh boy. You seriously cannot imagine the joy that this little bonnet on such a pudgy cute face brought all the people in the store. --Except for that lady who was none to happy to move around a mom with an overflowing cart and 5 children in the store. And SHE was going up the WRONG way in the aisle. Seriously? Do you SEE how cute this baby is wearing this bonnet?! How do you continue to scowl? Why are you following the road rules of the UK? We are not across the pond. Move to your side of the aisle. I "may" have politely told her that it was going to be easier for her to go around me, than for me to maneuver my huge cart and 5 well-behaved children around her. Thanks! (insert syrupy smile). Oops. Well, it worked. My oldest told me it was rude, but I stand behind my polite request. And, anyway, when I bring such a pot of gold as this cute baby in her bonnet into the store, well, maybe I was walking a little proud.

Fun with Facts!

So I was inspired by this cute little worksheet that helps learn how to make 10. Maddie loved it, so I made a new one to show her how to make 11. Of course, with St. Patrick's Day being around the corner, I added a St. Patrick's day flair...with THREE-leaved shamrocks of course. I hope the original creator doesn't mind that I "mimicked"her work. I mean, imitation is the best form of flattery, right? So here it is if you were interested. Easy to make yourself too. :)

Colored and completed