Surrender and Humility.

So this week is going a lot better than last week. Last week, although not posted about here, was a real test of faith for me. I wanted to cry  cried my eyes out. I was DONE. I had had it. I couldn't take one more day, one more second! of homeschooling. The burden had just gotten too heavy. I desperately wanted to quit. I TRIED to find other options. I cried some more. I blubbered to my husband. I lamented to my friends.  I begged God for another option. I didn't want to have to shoulder the responsibility any more. That was it! It was TOO much. As I prayed, and cried(did I mention that?), I also sought the Lord. I asked my mother in law to pray for me and with me. I knew so many people who "know" what I was feeling were praying for me. What I finally realized was pointed out to me is this: I needed to surrender. It's always the big "hardships" in my life where I surrender. This situation is too, PRESENT. Too EVERYDAY. I guess it is the thing that I just think "Time to make the donuts"....and I do it. Poorly I must say. But it was "mine." What I heard (through the mouth of my MIL in conjunction with a real heart to heart with myself) the Lord saying, was this: "You must put even this into the Ocean of my Mercy. You can't do this on your own. Why are you clinging so tightly, yet so miserably to this?" It was this I needed to hear.

My Jesus says: ""Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest."

Matthew 11:28

I am so very weary, Lord. How long O Lord, will my heart be hard? How long O Lord will I walk dragging my cross? Help me to cast my burdens at your feet. This is my daily prayer.

I have changed my perspective, and have been trying to surrender every morning and minute by minute! Additionally, I have successfully put away distractions until a healthy time. It has made the world of difference. (and my floor is mopped which is just an added bonus). Thank you for any prayers. I have indeed needed them. This year has been more challenging for me then I ever thought possible...and quite frankly, in comparison to some, my life seems like a breeze. I am keenly aware of that, which humbles me all the more. That is a fact, that if I let it, makes me feel very small. If I let it, I start to feel my efforts are seen as "not enough," I have often felt that "WHO I AM" falls short.  I am not enough. I have had a sense these past few months, that God is continually trying to strip me of pride, and detach me from desiring the approval of others. I sometimes feel that God has stripped me of a sense of "achievement" or even a sense of "pride" over some accomplishment, or even a sense of pride in one of my children, by having someone make a cutting remark about me, or "upping" an accomplishment.  He is using these opportunities like a refiner's fire. I think that has been a "theme" of this year. I feel deeply, that the scorn or "pokes" or quiet rebukes I have felt, is not a reflection of that particular person, but a gift of the Lord. A gift that is painful, humiliating, and sometimes saddening, but spiritually, is helping me to cling more to the Lord. I have felt grace in those moments, or sometimes in the moments following. I think He has enlightened me to "see" this refining.  He constantly tries perfecting me. It is in recognizing my weaknesses, or embracing difficult moments, that I have the opportunity to surrender. It becomes an opportunity to grow. To try again next time. Or for that chance of bearing something silently. To bow my head to the Lord, and say, "I know, I am not perfect yet." Or "You know my depths, Lord, and you know that my heart is in the right place, and if there is a correction needed, let me take it from you."
Lord, I am a tiny ship on your Ocean of Mercy. The storms come, the waves crash, but it is all Mercy. Let me, Lord, fall into that Ocean of Mercy with abandon. I will not be afraid!