Crossroads

I have been homeschooling for several years now. About 4 years I guess. And I have definitely seen many blessings flow from it. Over the last 6 months +, I have been finding my patience waining. I am sure if you ask ANY homeschooling mom of multiple children, (and hey, probably those with only one or two), you will find at some point (maybe many points) they bewail the fact that their patience is in short supply, and that they are ready to throw in the towel. I know probably, everyone at some point or another, in their homeschooling walk, fires up the ole' search engine, and types in the local school's website, just to "see". Well, folks, I have found that I am thinking about it more often. Not because of the education my children are receiving, because, honestly, I think it is pretty good. More because, I am finding myself short on the "loving/kindness" that is so necessary for a nice home environment. This probably has less to do with the fact that I am homeschooling, and more to do with the fact, that I am lacking in some area, but nonetheless, it has me doing that fateful "search". I know, for you homeschooling moms out there, you say "It's nearly February, it happens to ALL of us around this time" "This is when burnout happens to us all...just push through". I hear you. I agree, but something definitely has to change. So that is the crossroads where I am. Standing here, at what seems like a possibly momentous occasion in my life. Do we look into the local Catholic School? Do we push through: "Make it work" as Tim Gunn would say. As I even consider these possibilities, I look fondly, but with some regret already at the time I "didn't appreciate" the gift it is/was to have my children happily surrounding me. I can't just snuggle down for reading time with them on the couch under a blanket. Did I miss out on what was right under my nose for these last four years. Is it almost gone? My heart will surely ache, if I have to watch their little uniformed figures disappear through those big ominous school doors. I will surely mourn the loss of my 8 year old playing house so sweetly with her 4 and 2 year old sisters, during the day. Of my sweet 6 year old son, playing puzzles in the floor. Do I romanticize how it has been? Probably. Do I remember the times when I may have raised my voice. For sure. Do I know that I will miss seeing them "get" something new, choosing their reading material, knowing what they are and, often more importantly, are NOT exposed to. Absolutely. My heart aches even now. During my discernment time, I am praying. I am seeking. I am asking, hoping to hear that not so quiet voice, telling me what to do. I believe so whole-heartedly in homeschooling. Why then, do I get so overwhelmed? Why do I allow myself to act in such a way, that effects our home life, even, perhaps, my marriage. I know God does not want me to be without peace. I also know for readers who do not know what homeschooling is and can be, and who do not share my ideals, may just totally NOT GET what this is all about. I do though. And it is about as big of a decision as I have ever known.

If you think about it, say a prayer for this mother who just wants peace in her home and life. I want to get it right. I don't want to fail my children, my husband. I don't want to fail my God. I don't want to "lose" my children to the "world" and look back and say "why couldn't I have just stuck it out.?" I want my children to know God on a personal and intimate level, and I don't want them to choose the world. I want them to feel loved by me, by God. I want them to grow up strong in their faith, and who they are. I don't want to hold on so tight to something unless I know it is what God requires of me. My prayer is to find out and do what God wants from me. If that is homeschooling, may his joy and peace fill my home. IF that is sending my children to school, allow peace to lead the way.

A Daybook for today

FOR TODAY
Outside my window...Today is an overcast kind of day. It seems like the clouds are gonna let loose at any moment, but it won't quite happen. I am seeing my little patch of garden growing bigger each day.

I am thinking...about my little Madeline, my wild child...who turns 4 tomorrow. She is a big serving of sunshine to our family. She easily brightens my day, and brings joy to my heart. She is so full of life and personality. I can't imagine how she is possibly 4 already. My mothers heart is trying to impress every detail of her smiley little 4 year old face into my mind, never to forget. Her toddler years are slipping through my fingers. If I could squeeze tight enough to hold on a little longer I would.

I am thankful for...A God in whom I can trust all aspects of my life. Even when I don't trust all too well. I know he holds me in the palm of His hand. "He knows well the plans he has for me" Jer. 29:11. He knows the tiny sadness I have at seeing my little ones grow up. He knows how happy I am to see them learn new things. He knows the daily struggles, and is there all the time.

From the learning rooms...I just finished up ordering the final things I need for the year(or does it never end ;) I am trying to figure out how to organize it all in a better way. I would like to have dedicated shelves for each child, and dedicated s

paces for creative things. We'll have to see how it will all turn out. Maybe I should take a before picture to motivate me...hmmmm?

From the kitchen...The crockpot is bubblin' away today. Yay for the crockpot. I am making a beef roast. I will serve roasted purple(how fun is that?) cauliflower, and grilled zucchini(one from my VERY OWN garden!!). Maybe I'll broil some tomatoes too.

I am wearing...A cute green sleeveless shirt and jean shorts, which have a hole that I need to put something behind or sew up. Bare feet. A ponytail.

I am creating...Wall charts for the school room.

I am going...nowhere. It is a blissful at home kind of day.

I am reading...Kristen Lavransdatter: The Wreath. It is good so far.

I am hoping...to have my schooling schedule for the year completed within 1 week. (eek--must. get. started.)

I am hearing...My dryer turning round and round and round. (what's new?) Also the voice of 3 little ones squealng in the basement.

Around the house...Laundry today.

One of my favorite things...Going to the library and picking out as many books as strike my fancy.

A few plans for the rest of the week: Celebrate my little girl's 4th Birthday.

Here is picture for thought I am sharing...

Happy Birthday Little Girl...you bring joy to my life.

Up and Down

UP:
That title explains my life over the last few months. It was a whirlwind after Easter to prepare for Anna's First Holy Communion. I really can't believe that I haven't posted about it. It was one of the most special days of my own life, not to mention Anna's! The whole preparation process from the catechesis to the dress, was filled with special moments. We had so much fun deciding between dresses, and whether Anna wanted a flower crown or a veil. What her invitations would be like, how her party would go. It was all amazing. I will give you a picture journal, so you can follow.

Anna's Breakfast...idea courtesy of Catholic Icing.

She chose and designed this gorgeous Floral Crown

My Pure Beauty, innocent before God, ready to receive Him.

Her Mimi was able to come and it was a huge blessing.

This is Anna and her Cousin McKayla. The 2 were blessed to receive Jesus for the first time together.

Next UP:
The day after that amazing day, I found out I pulled out one of my Dollar Store pregnancy tests, took it, and Lo and Behold, I was pregnant! So many feelings and emotions pulsed through me. Believe it or not it was going to be a CHRISTMAS BABY!! So exciting. I was a bit nervous because of my health issues with the last pregnancy, but overall was excited. It was definitely the "sickest" 1st trimester I had ever had. As my son's 6th Birthday rolled around, so did my first appointment with the midwife. It was at my home, which is awesome by the way. I was in my bedroom with my oldest, and the midwife, Kathy. She went through the normal routine of asking all my history, then we got to the good part. Finding the baby's heartbeat.

DOWN: Anna was excited, because Kathy let her handle the Doppler. She held it on my tummy, and it took a solid 15 minutes, but we couldn't find it. So, Kathy calmly explained that sometimes, because of the baby being so small, the heartbeat is hard to find. I wasn't really worried, but opted to go for a viability scan/ultrasound to make sure everything was okay. Brian was out of town, so my SIL went with me...it was really an act of love, because she literally birthed her son the week before. I was glad she did though. We went in, and sadly, the baby did not, in fact, have a heartbeat anymore. It was probably one of the saddest days in my life. I wasn't prepared to see my sweet little baby(he/she had grown to 9 weeks--i was supposedly 10 weeks along) on the screen, yet so lifeless. I was willing that little light to start blinking, indicating a strong healthy heart. It wasn't to be. My little one has been flown on the wings of Angels, before me, to meet her/his Creator Face to face in the Glory of Heaven. It is a bit surreal to know he or she is there experiencing the wonders of Heaven. I take solace in that fact. I had to tell my husband over the phone. He was very calming to me. In his heart, he had known that our little one had gone before us.
Telling my children of this devastating news, was one of the hardest conversations I have had in my life. My 7 year old, was beside herself with grief. She knew in her heart something was wrong too, I could tell. She kept asking me about it(even though I kept it very light). She asked things like "How big is the baby today, Mom?" Did you see the baby at your appointment? Is everything okay? It was hard, but like all hard things, she got through it. She put the sonogram picture on her prayer table, and we talk of the baby on and off. Aidan takes solace in us having named the baby, and he asks for the baby's intercession.
I chose not to have the surgery, but to let "nature take its course." Little did I know that almost 2 months later, nature would still be taking it's sweet time. I feel like God is in control of this timing though. He knows our needs intimately. For his good reasons, it has taken this long, and I continue to wait upon the Lord. There are days, when those hormones are still raging on and causing so many emotions. And there are days, when I feel as normal as I ever do. ;o)
I hope to learn what it is God wants for me to learn in these days and weeks. I know I have missed some of the lessons, but hopefully not all.
"Lord you give and take away, you give and take away, but my heart will choose to say, Blessed be the Lord!" (taken from a song based on Job)

Blanqi Giveaway

I have loved this product, and secretly coveted one since I first saw it on Natalie's blog. Here is a link to find this awesome giveaway...but hurry it ends tomorrow!

Easter Flowers

I love Easter. I love Springtime, and I LOVE Eastery and Springy flowers. I spent several hours of the past week working in my garden, and because I failed to plant bulbs last Fall, (you know, while moving into a new house with four children and trying to keep their education on track) I had no spring flowers to bloom this year. How could I have MISSED that opportunity??? I will never know. But, if you know me, you know I can NOT live without my pink tulips. My old house, had a BEAUTIFUL garden(all credit due to the nice lady who used to own it...tulips, pretty little purple flower ground cover, azaleas, peonies, etc.) But in my new house, while they did do a nice little landscaping package, with....drumroll please...A PINK FLOWERING TREE(I should probably find out what it is called)!!!! Yes, my ABSOLUTE favorite Springtime tree...God loves me so much--it just bloomed today, I wasn't sure what it was going to be. What a gift to me! So, anyway, back to tulips--my little head got to thinking...why I never thought of this before, I don't know--but I started wondering why I couldn't just go to my local nursery and buy me some almost blooming pink tulips and plant them right into my little garden. Well, last thursday, that is JUST what I did. I "may" have gone overboard, spending wise that is, these flowers are not cheap! I bought several pink and dark purple hyacinths, about 5 pots of tulips (all one shade of pink or another), then went BACK and got some daffodils, MORE pink hyacinths(does anyone see a theme here???) (I must digress, and tell you that my favorite childhood crayon color WAS "Carnation Pink" so you can't blame me for all the pink). I also got two more huge pots of tulips--yellow this time, and a big white Easter Lily...which is not planted but in my dining room. Anyway, I got to diggin' and a-plantin' and this is what I ended up with....

We had a fabulous weekend. Holy Thursday we celebrated a sedar meal and then Brian took the oldest 2 to Mass at 7pm. On Good Friday, we had a low key, Spring Clean day, up until Stations at noon. My husband got ALL our countertops cleared off for Easter...(that was really MY goal, but he loves me so he did it for me.) Hmmm...should put a pic of that up. I started the big "Clothing Switch" a huge undertaking to me....size change, seasonal change, etc. etc. I did some bathroom cleaning, and lots of laundry. Anyway, Stations were good. My son(almost 6) was really moved when they "nailed" Jesus' hands and feet. I could tell it touched him, that Jesus would go through that for us. After that, we came home and I got to head over to Good Friday 3pm services. It was good to be there. It is so long, that it is hard to take the kids to, so it has been a few years since I was able to go. After that, it was dinner time and bed time. We tried getting through the Passion the movie...but we were so beat, that we just zonked out. Saturday, another GORGEOUS spring day, we went early to breakfast at our favorite diner, then to Lowes to pick up our porch rockers. I LOVE THEM!!! I planted the rest of my flowers, and we spent hours outside. It was heavenly. The day ended with Dying Eggs, Resurrection Cookies, and Easter Basket stuffing and hiding.

Easter Sunday, brought a VERY EARLY alarm clock waking. We woke at 6am...showered, woke the kids, who quickly got their Easter clothes on, had a quick basket hunt, complete with personalized clue maps, ate a dyed egg or two, and off just like that to 7:30am Mass. Which was surprisingly packed. We did, however, get a seat. And it was beautiful.

Life as I know it--and a giveaway to enter!

I guess I will only be posting after several months pass by. I can't seem to get back into a bloggy swing. I do love blogs and blogging, and I think I really love food blogging. Even though I have never done it. I think I would love to be a food blogger though...but maybe I just love food. Hmmm...lets not get stuck on that. Anyway, I have had a lot going on over the last two months. I have become a God Mother twice over now. :) I had one God-daughter, Alana Eilish, who just turned 3, and who I am having a tea party for on Monday...yay! and now I have a brand new one Avianna Rose, as of February 28th. She is so sweet. I love her so much.

My oldest also, just received her First Penance on March 6th. She was not nervous, and did great. She asked the priest to bless her Baptismal rosary after she was given absolution, because I had told her that St. Therese did that in her first confession. It was sweet. We celebrated by our family and her Godmother, Godfather and cousins(one of which ALSO made her First Penance, yay McKayla!!) going out for a nice lunch. The next day, Anna got her ears pierced. What a milestone. She has been waiting so long...well 7 years...hahah. We told her she could do it for her First Holy Communion, and as her big day is April 17th, we went ahead and got it done. She was so excited, shed a few tears after the guns went off, but enjoyed it overall.

I also ordered 2 Holy Communion Dresses for her to try on. We went to JCpenneys but everything was so picked over, I thought the selection was better online. The first one came, and while beautiful, was too big, and not as pictured, so we are trying again. It is such a special time for her, and us!

OHHHH....how COULD I forget?????? It is shocking really...Brian and I went to Puerto Rico(we were there for 3 days as a end cap to our honeymoon too)!!!! It was such a getaway. We had a wonderfully fabulous time...I filled up on Mofongo(a Plantain dish) like 652 times. I LOVE that stuff, and I will most definitely crave it if and when I get pregnant!!! I probably gained bout that much weight too. LOL. We were afraid we would not get out as there was a BLIZZARD yes, a BLIZZARD the day before our flight was scheduled. I was seriously freaking out. I mean, how often do parents of 4 sucker someone into watching the kids for 4 days and go off to some tropical paradise?? Not often if you are me....SOOO I even went out to shovel but seriously, 2 minutes after I would shovel, there were 2 more inches of snow....it was REALLY falling that hard and fast. I think we ended up with like 22+ inches, on top of the 14 that had already fallen 5 days before. Brian shoveled for almost 6 hours that Wed. But, it was a good thing he did, because, at a bright 6:30am, we "shoved off" for the airport, and miracle of miracles, the airport got its crap together and got our flight off--a few hours late. Anyway, it was heavenly. We were so blessed to be able to go. We actually met a great Catholic couple while on vacation...yes, for those who know us, not so shocking. But it was a real blessing to know them. We met them on our first morning there...while going on our Adventure tour to do kayaking, hiking, and zip lining, in the rain forest. I LOVED it. I would do it again in a heartbeat! We also lounged around in hammocks, went in the ocean, ate breakfast at the seaside, walked around Old San Juan....which I LOVED TOO!!! So, yes, it was bliss being there!

On a not so blissful note, we came home to the stomach bug...blah! My poor MIL...she dealt with the 1st two being sick, and we dealt with the last two and us. YUCK. but thank God it was over quick!

Baby Girl has also started walking since last post. She was about 15 months when she started, and she is all over the place now. So busy all the time.

Homeschooling is going well...although, this warm(er) weather gives us a little Spring Fever. We just need to get OUTSIDE!! We are dealing better with getting schooling done earlier so we can enjoy more free time though.

In more food news, Brian and I started South Beach Diet almost 3 weeks ago now. I was told I should be on this diet for at least 3 months prior to getting pregnant(due to health reasons during my last pregnancy), and being as we do not know when God will so choose to bless us with a wee one, we though Lent would be a great starting point! The first two weeks, Phase one, were difficult, although not un-tasty. The food is good, it is just, one can get sick of eating, no, of seeing, salad. I mean, for two weeks, it seemed like "Oh honey, do want a salad with a side of Salad, and salad for dinner/lunch/breakfast(okay, not breakfast)." But truly, you do feel more healthy eating this way. I never ate so much vegetation in my entire life! So that part felt good, and can be quite tasty. But my brain wasn't always in it, so menu planning suffered. After those two weeks, (and more than 8 pounds later, I may add) we have entered Phase two...where you re-introduce healthy carbs..ie. Fruits and whole grains. That has been good. Anyway, I have a tea party at a tea house(one of my FAVORITE things to do) and it is MOST DEFINITELY NOT South Beach Diet Friendly...BUT, I think I could indulge without undoing all my "sacrifices" as the book says. So, I probably will, modestly at least. When I go on a "diet" I usually commit 100%, well at least 98%. So, I don't think I will backslide really by going to tea.

Well, seeing as I am rambling, I need to stop. But just wanted to blog about a little giveaway over at Modern Catholic Mom real quick....great site for getting inspired, seeing what is going on in the Catholic world and from a Catholic perspective. Check it out!

She is giving away Holy Baby DVDS and you can win them! Here is the link.

Feeling Sad

So I just found out a friend of mine is moving to NC. Soon. Like Sunday soon. It is sad for me because the past few weeks and months were sort of spent in a whirlwind, and I was supposed to go over to her house for a visit, and I kept thinking "I'll do that when things settle down". Well, now I won't get the chance. So it is sad. It is a life lesson really. "Why put off for tomorrow what can be done today," as they say. Anyway, God knows his plans for all of us.

So, I refuse to change my blog background yet. I like it, and quite frankly, have not seen enough of it, made very obvious by my lack of posts. Anyhoo. It has been quite a busy time for us...as per usual for the holidays. Now that we are getting back into the swing of things, I thought I would throw a post together. A few points...

• I need to get back to menu planning. I am lost without it. I hate it. It just takes a bit of energy and then you don't have to think of it for a week...or dare I dream, a MONTH!!!! GASP!!!(okay, so while I would love to have a month to month menu plan, I find it unrealistic in the foreseeable future.)
• I have had a severe lack of motivation for homeschooling. We have been plugging away, but I just feel like I need something to spice things up. I have been looking into K12 for next year but I have a few hesitations...it would mean I would lose a level of flexibility that I have come to appreciate about homeschooling. I would be at the mercy of the state's curriculum AND schedule. (I really like the fact that I can start early if I know I will be having a baby that year, or take 2 weeks off if I need to for baby and go later in the year...with this you pretty much have to be on a public school schedule.) I will lose the control over curriculum and method choice I now currently enjoy. I also am worried that all of our hard work in Phonics with Anna this year will be undermined by a new (albeit, probably good) phonics curriculum. The things I "LIKE" about the K12 Curriculum are: The planning is ALL DONE FOR ME!!! For the children that have to be reported on to the state(over 8 years old) there is nothing to be done. There is teacher support. Oh, and a MAJOR benefit, it is FREE!!! Well, as free as our school taxes are. :P Anyway, you get everything, including supplies sent to your house! It is a major draw for me. So, we'll see about this....
• Hmmm....what else. It is crazy for me to see my baby getting into the toddler stage. And boy, does she "GET INTO" things. She is by far, my busiest child. She is CONSTANTLY into cabinets and up stairs, and pulling barriers down and away. She crawls away laughing when you call her name, she loves being chased, and actually understands how NOT to be caught. Today she just screamed "Mom, Mom, Mom, MOOOM" for me to come get her from her nap. She is a funny girl. She was high-maintenance as a baby, and is high maintenance as a toddler...all hope is lost for her pre-teen years. LOL. Other than that, she is a cuddle bug. She loves hugs and kisses, and is tender and loving when her siblings are sad or hurt. She makes us laugh with her funny faces, and loves to "read" books, she loves playing her musical instruments, and riding her "car".
• My oldest, we just found out, will indeed, be making her First Penance and First Holy Communion this year. We are all aflutter with the preparations for her first Penance which will come at the end of February. She is very happy she gets to receive her Sacraments this year. I was brought to tears thinking about what a special time this is for her. I am praying daily that we, as parents, may properly prepare her, and that she would know the gravity of what is about to take place. She will be receiving her 1st Communion in mid April. As a "gift" she was told she could get her ears pierced beforehand. She has been anxiously anticipating that too!
• I watch my children get bigger and older everyday. I notice my 5 year old, is not quite as snuggly as he once was. He has started caring a little more about what people think. It is sad for me a little bit. I enjoy seeing the boy he is turning into, but I am sad knowing my baby boy is growing up. My 3 year old is becoming a big girl. She is losing that "toddler" feeling. She is communicating more fully as a big girl, and less as a baby. I notice she is understanding her own feelings alot more, a sure sign she is growing up. She makes truly funny jokes, she "gets" things. It is really neat to be able to hold a meaningful conversation with her.
• There really is a lot to pray for right now. Please keep these things in your prayers: Haiti and the earthquake victims; a friend's friend who took his own life--Tony(pray for his soul) left a wife and four kids; a friend having a crisis of faith; my SIL and BIL praying an offer is accepted on their first house; my friend who is moving to NC on Sunday;

I guess that is all the major news right now. I really do love blogging and reading blogs. Feels good to put my thoughts down.