Up and Down

UP:
That title explains my life over the last few months. It was a whirlwind after Easter to prepare for Anna's First Holy Communion. I really can't believe that I haven't posted about it. It was one of the most special days of my own life, not to mention Anna's! The whole preparation process from the catechesis to the dress, was filled with special moments. We had so much fun deciding between dresses, and whether Anna wanted a flower crown or a veil. What her invitations would be like, how her party would go. It was all amazing. I will give you a picture journal, so you can follow.

Anna's Breakfast...idea courtesy of Catholic Icing.

She chose and designed this gorgeous Floral Crown

My Pure Beauty, innocent before God, ready to receive Him.

Her Mimi was able to come and it was a huge blessing.

This is Anna and her Cousin McKayla. The 2 were blessed to receive Jesus for the first time together.

Next UP:
The day after that amazing day, I found out I pulled out one of my Dollar Store pregnancy tests, took it, and Lo and Behold, I was pregnant! So many feelings and emotions pulsed through me. Believe it or not it was going to be a CHRISTMAS BABY!! So exciting. I was a bit nervous because of my health issues with the last pregnancy, but overall was excited. It was definitely the "sickest" 1st trimester I had ever had. As my son's 6th Birthday rolled around, so did my first appointment with the midwife. It was at my home, which is awesome by the way. I was in my bedroom with my oldest, and the midwife, Kathy. She went through the normal routine of asking all my history, then we got to the good part. Finding the baby's heartbeat.

DOWN: Anna was excited, because Kathy let her handle the Doppler. She held it on my tummy, and it took a solid 15 minutes, but we couldn't find it. So, Kathy calmly explained that sometimes, because of the baby being so small, the heartbeat is hard to find. I wasn't really worried, but opted to go for a viability scan/ultrasound to make sure everything was okay. Brian was out of town, so my SIL went with me...it was really an act of love, because she literally birthed her son the week before. I was glad she did though. We went in, and sadly, the baby did not, in fact, have a heartbeat anymore. It was probably one of the saddest days in my life. I wasn't prepared to see my sweet little baby(he/she had grown to 9 weeks--i was supposedly 10 weeks along) on the screen, yet so lifeless. I was willing that little light to start blinking, indicating a strong healthy heart. It wasn't to be. My little one has been flown on the wings of Angels, before me, to meet her/his Creator Face to face in the Glory of Heaven. It is a bit surreal to know he or she is there experiencing the wonders of Heaven. I take solace in that fact. I had to tell my husband over the phone. He was very calming to me. In his heart, he had known that our little one had gone before us.
Telling my children of this devastating news, was one of the hardest conversations I have had in my life. My 7 year old, was beside herself with grief. She knew in her heart something was wrong too, I could tell. She kept asking me about it(even though I kept it very light). She asked things like "How big is the baby today, Mom?" Did you see the baby at your appointment? Is everything okay? It was hard, but like all hard things, she got through it. She put the sonogram picture on her prayer table, and we talk of the baby on and off. Aidan takes solace in us having named the baby, and he asks for the baby's intercession.
I chose not to have the surgery, but to let "nature take its course." Little did I know that almost 2 months later, nature would still be taking it's sweet time. I feel like God is in control of this timing though. He knows our needs intimately. For his good reasons, it has taken this long, and I continue to wait upon the Lord. There are days, when those hormones are still raging on and causing so many emotions. And there are days, when I feel as normal as I ever do. ;o)
I hope to learn what it is God wants for me to learn in these days and weeks. I know I have missed some of the lessons, but hopefully not all.
"Lord you give and take away, you give and take away, but my heart will choose to say, Blessed be the Lord!" (taken from a song based on Job)